


Ain't Gonna Leave

by theangelanddean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Creatures & Monsters, Bottom Castiel, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Kidnapping, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Mute Castiel, Sign Language, Siren Castiel, Small Towns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 06:38:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12743007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theangelanddean/pseuds/theangelanddean
Summary: Castiel Novak was only nineteen when everything was taken from him. With no voice and no family, Castiel was forced into hiding in a small coastal town in Washington. To be safe from the murders, Castiel had to make sure no one would find out about his secret–that he was a siren. It wasn’t until he crashed into a green-eyed stranger, Dean, who turned his life upside down. It wasn’t hard for Castiel to fall for Dean. His humor, his kindness, and, not to mention, his beauty caught him like a tide. The only problem: Dean despised creatures like him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have been working on this idea ever since I listened to the song ["Ain't Gonna Leave" by ARIZONA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkGPufaMUfU) and I'm so happy I finally got a chance to write the thoughts in my head down and be able to post it for everyone to read. This was the first time I've participated in DCBB and I wouldn't have been able to do this without a Nanditha and Jory. Thanks for being great betas because I seriously needed editing. 
> 
> I'd also like to thank [ThePoette](https://thepoette.tumblr.com/) for bringing life to my writing. It's some really beautiful art. (Link for art will be added in a few days) 
> 
> For anyone who is wondering, sign language is such a beautiful language and I believe it should be encouraged in society. Here is the resource I used to help me write this fic: [ASL](https://www.handspeak.com/word/). 
> 
> Enjoy!

_A metallic scent filled the thick air. The sound of waves crashed in the distance. The lights around him were bright, too bright. He tried to figure out where he was. The room was empty and the bright lights but noticed it swaying. He could be in a boat, but he wasn’t sure. Coarse sand stuck to his cold, pale skin. He couldn’t move. His hands were tied at his wrists with rough rope. The end of his lower body was pinned down by two rusty nails. He was feeling faint; black spots filling up his eyesight. He could feel the constriction of his blood from his brain and the nausea pooling in the back of his throat. He knew that he needs to push through this; focus on how to get out of wherever he was._

_No matter how much he struggled, he couldn’t get free. The men who had taken him had left him alone. He could barely keep his eyes open. The pain had moved to his feet and was becoming unbearable. It was better not to think about that. He needed to leave. He tried to open his mouth, but it was stuck. A sticky substance on his mouth prevented him from crying out for his family._

~

Gasping, Castiel wakes up on his bed, drenched in sweat. Kicking the covers off with his feet, he closes his eyes again. A tattoo of a cross and unnerving grey eyes appear behind his closed lids. Quickly opening his eyes again, he takes a couple deep breaths. A pale green light shines on part of his covers. Rolling his head towards it, he reads the digital clock, 4:28 AM. Better than last time he tells himself. He slept for 4 hours and 28 minutes instead of his usual 3 hours. 

Slowly crawling out of bed, Castiel turns off the alarm hours before it’s set to go off. His toes curl into the soft rug as he rubs his face with his hands. His elbows rest on his knees and his head hangs down. The moonlight shines through the thin curtains, highlighting his bare feet. The scars are blatant. Two dime-sized circles of smooth scarred skin on top of his feet are obvious to see. This is stupid. It’s been 5 years since the incident and he still gets nightmares. Looking away from the scars in disgust, he grabs his Aegean hoodie from the floor and slides the sleeves through his arms. 

Pattering to the French doors, he opens the curtains and looks beyond the window to the ocean. The sky is clear, the waning moon high up in the sky looking down at its lover, the sea. He remembers his older sister telling him about the distressing story of two star-crossed lovers. She was always so excited to talk about it when they were young. He missed those days; when life was simpler. When he could go out into the sea without the fear of being captured. 

Keeping the curtains open, Castiel leaves his room to the small kitchen. Empty Chinese takeout boxes are scattered on the wooden island, two empty bottles ginger beer discarded in the sink. Grabbing the takeout he throws them in the trash and then grabs his packet of medium roast coffee beans. While he grinds the beans, he stares out the window. The view of the dock always looks beautiful at this time. The quietness and emptiness before the hustle and bustle of the trade is captivating. But he never goes up onto the docks, no matter how beautiful they are. He doesn’t have any positive memories of the docks but this sight never bothered him. 

When finished with the beans, he grabs his silver stovetop espresso maker from the corner. Packing in the powder into the container, he turns on the dial on his stove turning on the gas. As he waits for the coffee, he sits down on the counter, picking up the book he was reading last night. Flipping to the page he left off at, he scoffs at himself remembering where he was. He’d like to think he was a romantic, but every time he reads a book by Jane Austen he feels frustrated and wants to scream into the void. Sadly, he can’t. 

After a few minutes, he grabs a mug a child had made for him. He fills the green mug with coffee, opens the fridge, and grabs the vanilla flavored half and half, pouring a small amount into the mug. After adding 2 spoons of raw sugar, he takes a tiny sip, tasting the flavor. and eyeing the text on the coffee bag, _Arabica Beans._ When he moved to the state of Washington a few years ago, he had learned to distract himself with coffee, the local commodity. 

Castiel reads for a bit as he finished his coffee, unwilling to attempt to go back to sleep. After brushing his teeth, Castiel puts on his running shoes before leaving out for an early morning jog. The classical music playing in his headphones reminds him of home. The strings copy the sound the currents inside the water make. The percussions resemble the smoothness of the creatures on the sandy bottom. Most of all, the music as a whole remind him of the harmonizing of voices as the sirens sang together. The cold wind hitting his face feels good, the strain in his calves reminding him that he’s still firmly on land. 

Turning the corner, Castiel cuts the grass to a small house in the cul de sac of the neighborhood. Panting, he rings the doorbell before slightly squatting with his hands on his knees. He focuses on quieting his breathing while he waits for his best friend to open the door. A young brunette woman opens the door, her expression grumpy. She groans when she recollects today was the day she was supposed to join Castiel on his run. 

“You do know it’s 5:45, right?” Eileen says, with a slight accent, signing as she talked. Even after years of talk therapy, he can still hear the slight thickening of the consonants and vowels. Castiel gives her a pointed look before she lightly taps her head against the wall and tells him to wait for her to change. 

While he waits, he does some lunges and stretches his legs, until Eileen emerges out from her house in shorts and a maroon hoodie. With a silent understanding, they start running towards the waterfront, keeping in step with each other. They are a good duo; Eileen, born deaf, and Castiel, mute. They had become good friends immediately when Castiel had gotten the flu 2 months after moving here. She had been his nurse at the only clinic in town, and when she realized he knew how to sign, she had recommended him for the job at the YMCA as an instructor for ASL and part-time translator for the clinic. That had really cemented their friendship. 

“Wait.” Eileen huffs, almost crawling to a bench. It had been a week since she had run with Castiel. Another nurse was out on vacation for her wedding and Eileen was the only one who could take her shift, forcing her to forgo their daily runs the past week. 

Castiel sits down next to her and raises his arms above his head, stretching his back. The feeling of his bones cracking relaxes him. Looking over at Eileen, he takes pity on her and decides a break is necessary, even if it was half a mile before their break point. He taps her on the shoulder before he starts signing. 

_You okay?_

“Yeah, I didn’t realize one week without running would mess me up so much.” She says, signing along with some words. “I should have stretched before.” 

_Sorry._

“No, it’s not your fault.” She says, stretching her legs, “We should go eat at the diner today. You don’t have class until one, right?” 

_Yes. Let’s go._

They both cut their run short and turn back around to Castiel’s house, which was closer. Once they get inside, Eileen falls onto the couch and whimpers. She grabs the purple throw and wraps herself with it. Castiel shakes his head and pokes her side; she jumps up, squealing and laughing. 

_Go use the guest bath to shower. You still have the extra change of clothes from our Harry Potter marathon two weeks ago._

“Okay.” She sighs, rolling off the couch and walks to the bathroom adjacent to the living room. 

Castiel hears the shower turn on before he walks to the bathroom attached to his bedroom. He strips out of his grey sweats, hoodie, and black shirt. Turning on the shower, he steps inside the white tub and shuts the plastic curtain adorned with shells. He lets the warm water sooth his stressed muscles. As the tightness disappears from his body, he feels the sapphire scales emerge on his thighs and further down, his aqua scales. The bumpy feeling of the scales were different from the feeling of skin. It’s been awhile since he’s been out swimming. But the warm weather is slowly ending and he can’t risk being spotted.

He quickly finishes washing up and as he dries himself off, the scales disappear. Tying the towel around him, he walks into his room and slides his closet open. Grabbing some dress pants and a button-down shirt, he swiftly changes and joins Eileen in the living room. She’s sitting on the couch, watching the weather channel. 

“Looks like we’re going to have a stormy fall this year.” She comments, looking up at Castiel. “Are you going to be okay with that?” 

_Yes, Of course. You know I do not fully transform unless I am completely submerged in the water._

“I’m just worried about you.” Eileen expresses her concern and turns off the television, “They were just talking about how a town in Oregon found a family of Nymphs murdered just two days ago.” 

_I understand... but I can take care of myself._

Castiel can understand her frustrations. The world isn’t safe for creatures like him. Humans had their biases against anyone who was different. Not only did they have problems with their own kind but with others as well. He was thankful Eileen was unlike the other humans he had encountered; she was understanding and kind. The day that she had discovered his secret in the shallow waters by the cove, he had feared for his life once again. But all that had been said was that she loved the ombre of his tail and sat down on the rocks next to him, talking about how her neighbor was treating her that day. 

“I know.” She finally says, after a moment of staring at him in worry. “Let’s go eat. I would like some of their double chocolate pancakes.” 

Castiel grabs his wallet and the keys to the Subaru. While driving to the diner, Eileen scrolls through her messages on her phone, hoping none of them were for her to take up a shift today. They overworked all the nurses here and paid them even less than the city nurses. She deserves her day off. 

Once Castiel pulls into a parking spot, the car next to him revs their engine loudly before haphazardly pulling out and racing down onto the main road. He looks at Eileen with wide eyes and a faint smile on his lips. She signs the word _crazy_ before stepping out the car. 

They walk into the restaurant, slipping into their usual booth. It doesn’t take long for the familiar blonde waitress to come around with their cups of coffee. Castiel starts mixing in half & half and 3 packets of sugar while Eileen adds one packet of sugar to her mug. 

“Let me guess.” The young waitress taps her fingers against the table. “Castiel, you want the sunny-side-up egg with some hash browns. And Eileen,” She turns to face Eileen to make sure she can read her lips, “you’ll have the double chocolate chip pancakes?” 

They both look at each other and start laughing. Castiel nods while Eileen affirms their order. 

“See, I know you two way too well.” the waitress comments, writing down their order on her notepad. 

“Claire, you’ve been serving us for about 5 years,” Eileen says, shaking her head. “Even Missouri knows our order.” 

“You bet I do.” Castiel hears Missouri’s voice from behind him. “Come on, Claire, put their order in before I give you gum duties tonight.” 

Claire hurries away. Missouri, the owner, comes around and ruffles Castiel’s hair before asking him how he was. Her curly black hair was done up with a periwinkle bandana. She looks into his blue eyes with her brown ones and gives him a smile. He shrugs in response and returns her smile. Missouri had always had a motherly aura with him. She seemed to know every time he’d have a bad night. He was sure she was some kind of psychic. Missouri talks with Eileen for a while before indicating Castiel to move in so she can sit with them. She’s always welcome to join them.

“So.” Missouri starts, facing Eileen. “I had a very interesting morning. Two new guests with an old car came by. Let me just say they were quite good looking. They were… Well, let’s just say one of them was very _angry_ with the other.” 

“Did they create a scene?” Eileen asks.

Claire comes by with their food, setting it on the table as Missouri answers, “Did they ever... It was something about how one of them should have been there for their dad or something. It was some serious family drama.” 

“Well, at least they left me a pretty big tip,” Claire interjects before walking off to the other customers. 

“Anyway, enjoy your breakfast.” Missouri sighs then stands up. But before she leaves, she turns to Castiel, “Castiel, be careful today. I sense you’re going to crash into something troubling.” 

Castiel’s eyes widen, nodding to her as she waves goodbye. She has to be a psychic because every time she did this, something does happen. He remembers the time she warned him of to watch for his head and the next day the roof on his back porch collapsed. He heeds her words very carefully because they become the truth. 

Once they finish their breakfast, Claire comes by to drop off the bill. She leans against the table, asking Castiel her question,“Hey, when does the new round of ASL classes start? I think I finally have time to start learning.” 

He grabs the pen that came with the bill and writes _They’ll start mid-November. I’ll email you the start dates & the pricing when it’s ready._ She reads it and gives him a thumbs up before walking off to keep working. 

“I should get going,” Eileen says, looking at her Fitness tracker on her wrist. “I need get my laundry done since I haven’t had time this whole week and I work tomorrow.” 

_Okay. Let’s go. Also, you only get one day off?_

“Short-staffed.” Eileen sighs, taking her thumb from the middle of the chest and to her stomach to sign _Capitalism._ Castiel silently laughs at her comment as they walk out the diner to his car. 

~

Dropping Eileen off at her place, Castiel goes back home to brush up today’s lesson while eating some toast and apricot jam for a small lunch. A few hours later, he gets his bag ready before locking up his house and leaving for work. 

As soon as Castiel gets out of his car in front of the YMCA, drops of water fall on his grey sweater vest. He grabs his backpack from the passenger seat and quickly runs into the building. Just when he enters through the door, it starts pouring outside. It almost never rains in this town. It’s Sequim, the only place in Washington that has fewer rainy days. He remembers Eileen telling him that it’s going to be a stormy fall. 

Walking to the front desk, he nods at the young girl who sits behind it before signing in. When he approaches his classroom, he notices a tall man with _really_ nice hair. The man seems to be reading the sign Castiel put up a few days ago about the meet-and-greet for hearing and non-hearing ASL learners next to the door. Tapping the man on the shoulder, he signs a hello, introducing himself. The man smiles back widely, mirroring his _hello._ His eyebrows scrunch up as he moves his hands, trying to sign more to him. It looked like the man was having trouble thinking of signs he knew. Castiel took pity on him but was grateful for the effort he gave even when he didn’t know much ASL. 

Castiel holds up a finger, prompting him to stop. He takes off his backpack, zips it open, and shoves his hand inside to grab the small notepad and a pen. He starts scribbling on the pad before handing over the notepad. The man reads his handwriting; his eyebrows shoot up and then eventually an expression of understanding floods his face. 

He hands back the notepad and replies, “Sorry, my sign language is pretty bad. I forgot most of it. I’m Sam, by the way.” He waits for Castiel to write on the pad. 

_I’m Castiel. Are you here to apply for ASL classes?_

“I was just looking around.” Sam shrugs, putting his hands into his forest green jacket. “My brother and I are moving up here from Kansas.” 

_Oh, that’s far change._

“Right?” Sam laughs as he reads the response. “That’s what I told him. But he’s insistent to get as far from Kansas as possible” 

_Family Drama?_

He snorts, “Don’t even get me started. I was actually surprised my brother wanted to leave.” 

Castiel raises an eyebrow and has a smirk on his lips. Even if he’s known Sam for less than two minutes, he has a notable impression. It’s not often Castiel can trust others. But Sam’s openness and kind eyes broke down some walls he keeps in front of him. He seemed like a nice person. 

“Anyway, I’m probably taking too much time from you.” Sam interrupts Castiel's thoughts.  
_You can join the ASL class that will be starting in 10 min. It’s an adv. class but you can sit on it to see if you want to join this Nov._

Sam smiles again, the excitement he was radiating off him reminds Castiel of an overly excited dog. He leads Sam inside the classroom and sets up for the day. As everyone files in, he notices Sam trying to communicate with some of his students. When the hand on the clock hits 1:00 pm, Castiel starts his class by clapping his hands together twice. 

As the class goes on, Castiel keeps his attention on his students teaching them various ways to converse with each other. He glances over at Sam a few times, smiling at how he tried to follow along with the person who was sitting next to him. He carries on focusing on teaching once he notices Sam being comfortable with following some simple signs. 

After an hour and a half, everyone starts leaving. Sam is sitting with one of the kids in the class when Castiel approaches them. He reminds the blonde boy that his mother is waiting for her and lets him go on his way. Sam stands up, signing a… _fuck you?_ Putting a finger up, Castiel writes down his confusion. 

_Did you mean ‘thank you’?_

“Uh...Yeah?” Sam uncertainly says, tucking his loose hair behind his ear. “Did I do it wrong?” 

_You signed F you._

“Holy shit, sorry. What’s ‘thank you’?” He snorts a laughter. Castiel touches the tips of his fingers to his chin and moves it away from his body. Sam mirrors him, and they smile at each other. “Okay, got it. Can I give you my email so you can send when the new classes start? I’m really interested.” 

He nods, handing his notebook over for Sam, letting him write his email down. With a short goodbye, Sam leaves the room. Closing his eyes for a while, Castiel takes a moment to himself before setting up for his second class. He places his notebook into his backpack and leaves it in the corner. He locks the door before turning the corner to the storage room. His next class is arts and crafts with deaf children. He grabs two large cardboard boxes, stacking them on top of each other. Balancing them, he slowly walks out the door. He’s almost to his classroom when he crashes into someone, dropping the boxes onto the floor. 

“Fuck.” A man swears, kneeling down in front of him to help pick up the construction paper off the floor. “I’m so sorry.” 

Castiel looks up and freezes. It takes him awhile before he remembers he still has to breathe. The man is… in short, beautiful. His freckles are dusted over his cheeks, nose, eyes, any part Castiel could see. His facial structure reminds him of the old sculptures that were submerged in the Mediterranean Sea. When they make eye contact, he almost lets out a gasp. They remind him of the deep seaweed at his cove at home. The golden specks and the green-hazel color hypnotizes him. He’d never actually felt at home for five years. 

Not until he looked into these eyes. 

He’s still frozen on the spot as he watches the man moves his arms, placing the objects that fell out back into the boxes. The purple-blue-pink plaid was damp in place, possibly by the rain outside. The sleeves were rolled up to his mid-forearm, showing off his muscles and veins. Plus, there were more freckles. Castiel doesn’t sense how long he stared at the man in front of him but he knows it was too long when the man reached out and placed his hand on the side of his arm. 

“Hey, dude.” He says with a worried expression. “You okay?” 

Castiel gulps and nods, his brain focusing on the tingling of his skin as he feels the man’s touch through his sweater. His heart beats fast, feeling strangely connected to this man. He could hear his sister’s voice of soulmates and people just know when they meet them. Mentally scolding himself, he grabs the last of the objects on the floor and puts them in the last box. 

“Sorry again, man.” The man apologizes, helping Castiel up. “Let me help you with the boxes.” 

Castiel opens his mouth to protest, but nothing comes out. Shocked, Castiel brings the tips of his fingers to his open mouth. It’s been a very long time since he’d subconsciously tried to talk. His eyes are wide, looking out into the distance and his head dizzy with the thoughts he felt at that moment. He couldn’t place the exact feeling. The cocktail of confusion, fear, and anger at himself punched him in the gut. 

The man squints his eyes, leaning down to create eye contact. “Are you sure you’re okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” 

Castiel points at his throat and shakes his head. Looking for a sign of understanding in the man, he huffs when he doesn’t see it. He reaches into his pocket for his pen but can’t find his pad nor a spare paper. 

“Here,” he extends his arm, exposing his palm to him. “Go ahead.” 

Tenderly grabbing his hand, turning it to write on his palm, Castiel brings the ballpoint pen onto the thick skin printing: _I’m mute._ The man watches him write the words down and realization washes over his face. He notices the surprise first, then the understanding, and finally, the expression he’s always hated, the pity. He, quickly, lets go of the man’s hand and the mental walls start building up. 

“Shit.” 

Castiel raises his eyebrows at him, judging the sudden outburst. He lets it go, knowing not everyone understands, especially when they don’t have any friends or family who have a disability. At least his reaction isn’t judging and horrible. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.” The man says, already bending down by his knees to pick up all the boxes, “Let me help you get these to wherever you need them.” 

It was moments like this when Castiel missed being able to talk. He couldn’t let the man know he didn’t need help, instead, he leads him to the classroom. Once they were both inside, the boxes set on the front table, the man takes a look around with wide curious eyes. Taking his time, Castiel momentarily lets his eyes wander up and down the man. The blue jeans fit right in all the right places, the blue and purple plaid peak out of the evergreen jacket. Kind of like a sexy lumberjack. 

“Oh, I’m Dean Winchester, by the way.” He says, when his eyes land on Castiel, then extends his arm. “What’s your name?” 

Castiel takes a step toward Dean, cradling his arm with nimble fingers. He’s always been a little cold, something that is part of his physiology, but the warmth from Dean’s body tingles through his body. He brings his pen up to his wrist and smoothly writes his name onto the freckled skin. Instead of letting go of his hand for Dean to read, he lets him lean in. The scent of a forest right after it rained engulfs Castiel. 

“Castiel?” Dean asks, smiling warmly at him. “Sounds angelic.” 

After a few more selfish seconds, Castiel lets go of his hand and slightly steps back. Dean clears his throat before running his fingers through his own hair. They both take glances at each other. Castiel plays with his pen, mostly looking at how at home his name looks on Dean’s wrist. He mentally beats himself for feeling so at home with some stranger. He hears Anna’s nagging voice at the back of his mind. Her fantasy thoughts about soulmates who reach for each other even when they don’t know the other. 

“Well, I should go…” Dean starts, walking back into a desk. Castiel holds his hands out as he watches Dean stumble for a second. “Oh, um… I actually came here looking for my brother. He’s really tall, long-ass hair that needs to be cut. His name is Sam.” 

Castiel’s mouth forms an ‘O’ before holding a finger up, letting Dean know to wait for a second. This is Sam’s brother. He should have known, it’s not tourist season anymore meaning these are the only two new people in this town. He’s got to say, both Sam and Dean have hit the jackpot in the gene pool. They’re beautiful for humans. Shaking the thoughts out of his head, Castiel goes over to the wooden platform, scribbling down his answer quickly before ripping it out from the seams. Handing the paper over to Dean, he diligently watches him read it. 

“Oh, damn it.” Dean swore and sighed, “I hope he’s back at the motel because I swear to god... “ He takes a glance at Castiel’s puzzled expression. “Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to take this out right now.” 

Castiel shakes his head and waves it off. Dean says thank you before leaving the room to him. Now that he’s gone, Castiel’s head finally clears. Closing his eyes tightly, he takes a deep breath in before letting it out with pursed lips. He knows it’s impossible to get together with the man or any man. He needs to get his mind together before he loses himself the next time he meets Dean. _If_ he meets Dean again.


	2. Chapter 2

A week later, the storm is at its peak. Castiel has an itch to go out into the water and stretch his fins for a while. He knows Eileen would disapprove of him going into the water when the waves fight for dominance over each other. Watching how the tug of the current call to him, he debates with himself whether to go or not to go. 

The beach is empty. No one is in sight. He can afford to go into the sea for while, but the paranoia of being found haunts him. The wind howls and tousles his hair in an unruly fashion. He takes a step forward but stops. His hands shake in earnest. It’s been 2 months since he’s had a chance to swim. He wants to go. He _needs_ to go.

Knowing the sun will set any minute; Castiel convinces himself that no one will come to the beach at this time of day. No one will find him. Slowly taking his feet out from his loafers, he steps onto the cold, wet sand. Flexing his toes inwardly, he lets the grainy feeling massage the soles of his feet. Looking around one more time, he confirms he’s the only one on the beach. Then he quickly strips out of his dark grey sweatpants and light green sweatshirt. He doesn’t wait and sprints to the waves that are crashing onto the shore. The water laps at his feet as he walks against the current until he’s deep enough to dive into the ocean. He kicks his feet smoothly in the rough waters until he’s into the depths.

Opening his eyes, Castiel smiles as the blue scales mend together and form his tail. Two slits on either side of his neck open, itching uncomfortably. Finally breathing deep, he lets the salty, cold water flood his senses. With that, the final part of his tail fuses. He moves gracefully, going headfirst into the Cove.

Seaweed dances with the current and the flicker of the rays of dull light reflect off of Castiel’s tail. A small school of fish swims around him, brushing up against his shimmering blue tail. It’s so refreshing to be able to see his whole tail. The dark blue gets lighter until the very end, with a sliver of baby blue. He smiles, content, as he swims, feeling free for the first time in a little while. But his smile falters when his eyes meet the scarred tissue on the end of his tail. The two jagged white lines are the only impurity marring his smooth scales. 

Smoothing his hair with his shaking fingers, Castiel decides it’s time to return, it’s been some time since he’s entered the water. He takes his time, reveling in the beauty of the fighting waves up above. He knows he’ll be entering the stormy world once again, leaving the peaceful dark of the ocean. But if he doesn’t, they’ll find him and he doesn’t want to take that chance again. Finally reaching the surface, he breaks through taking a deep breath of air. He bobs in the water realizing how tough it’s going to be to get to shore. He turns to the rocks on the side where he can lay on until his tail transforms into a pair of legs. Pulling himself up, he lays on the rocks, looking up at the swirls of clouds. The rain has stopped; the downpour subsided for the night.

After a while, he looks down at himself and the ombre of blue was replaced with two legs with scattered cyan scales over his calves and thighs. Getting up, Castiel quickly walks over to where he left his clothes and starts pulling on his sweatpants. As he reaches down to grab his shirt, it vanishes from view as a hand picks it up. His heart jumps up into his throat and his eyes widen, looking at the russet boots that stood before him. Slowly, he raises his gaze to meet the green eyes he saw a week ago. Dean.

The fear that Dean has identified his true identity seeps into Castiel’s brain. Slapping his hand against his neck, he breathes out a sigh of relief when he doesn’t feel his gills. He’s safe for now.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean smiles brightly, holding out his shirt. Castiel, with shaking fingers, takes it from his hands. “Skinny dipping in the storm? Isn’t that dangerous?” 

Castiel gapes at Dean, simultaneously relieved and embarrassed. Recovering, he shrugs, looking down trying to hide the heat on his face. Silently, he puts on his shirt. When he looks back up, Dean still has a teasing expression on his face. 

“Hey, I’m just teasing.” Dean smirks, winking nonchalantly at him, “Actually, going out there like that is kinda sexy.” 

Castiel, whose face is still a deep red, rolls his eyes and puts up two middle fingers, which entices a melodious laugh from Dean. He lightly pushes on Dean’s shoulder to make him stop but the smile creeping on his face said something else. They stand in the cold as the streetlights around the beach turn on automatically, softly illuminating the night. The yellow light brightens the sandy color of Dean’s sunkissed hair. Castiel’s heart constricts.

Once Dean’s laughter dies out, he breathes heavily, “Man, aren’t you cold? I can drive you home if you need to.” 

Castiel shakes his head and points to his house a few meters away. 

“That’s where you live?” Dean says with awe, raising his eyebrow. “Damn, can I move in? I’d love to have a beach access.” 

The sound of the waves fills the silence between them as Castiel shuffles from one foot to another. Without the mode to converse with Dean, he feels lost. It unsettles Castiel to not be able to communicate with him. He, nervously, points to Dean and back to his house and pretends to drink from a cup. Dean follows his movements and scrunches his eyebrows together. 

“Are you asking if I want something to drink?” Dean asks. Castiel nods and gives him an uncertain smile. “Sure, man. That’d be cool.” 

Turning around, Castiel leads the way to his place. He opens up the french doors to his bedroom. Looking at the mess he had left in his room, he feels embarrassed by the unmade bed and laundry all over his wooden floor. Looking back at Dean, he smiles and nods over to the door and takes him to his kitchen. He grabs the notebook and pen on the island and scribbles down, _sorry for the mess._ Dean sits down on a stool and uses two fingers to slide the notebook to him and reads. 

“It’s fine.” He shakes his head. “You got a nice place though.” 

Castiel nods before turning to his counter and grabs the _Verona_ and a simple decaf packet and shows them to Dean. He points at the brown packet of decaf. Turning and getting his coffee maker out, Castiel proceeds to make the decaf coffee for both him and Dean. Sneaking a glance behind him, he notices Dean look around his house. 

“So, are you from here?” Dean awkwardly coughs, trying to start up a conversation. 

Once Castiel turns on the stove, he moves over to the island and writes down his answer. _No, I’m actually from Europe._

“You’re European? Like London?” He asks, raising his eyebrows. 

_Near the Mediterranean Sea._

“Ah, have you been to Greece?” Dean leans his forearms on the counter, leaning towards Castiel. “My brother is interested in its history and stuff.” 

_Yes. It’s a beautiful place._

“That’s nice. I heard Greece has the most _creatures._ ” Dean states, with a tone of malice. It wasn’t as if the human world didn’t know creatures like him didn’t exist. Persecution against mermaids, werewolves, vampires, and so many other types of creatures was a common occurrence from the beginnings of time. Now, some humans think differently but others still hunt them. All of this leading to different species hiding their true self from the rest of the world. While Greece is the only place where creatures were allowed to live freely without persecution. 

Castiel flinches at the words. He places the pen carefully on his notebook, then turns to his stove, taking the espresso machine off before pouring them into two small coffee cups. He hands one to Dean before sitting down next to him, but not before sliding his stool on the other side of the counter. Watching Dean take a sip of the coffee, he feels the sadness overwhelm him. The way he said the word _creatures_ pierce into his heart. He’s one of those humans who hated species like him. 

“Fuck, Cas.” Dean hums around his cup. “This is the best coffee I’ve had in years. I’ve been living off trashy motel rooms and off the road diners. Can I come by here every morning just for a cup of joe?” 

Castiel rolls his eyes and shakes his head. 

“So not cool, man.” He laughs, taking another sip. “Anyway, when did you move here?” 

Castiel slides his finger over the rim of his cup. He takes a while, pondering what to write. Finally picking up the pen, he quickly writes down his answer. Sliding it towards Dean, he places with his pen as he waits. 

“Oh…” Dean says, his face contorting to something that resembled empathy instead of pity. “I’m sorry about your family.” 

_It’s okay._

“I…” Dean starts but is interrupted by the sound of rock music. He takes his phone out of his pocket and sighs. “It’s my brother. Just a second.” 

Castiel watches Dean click the answer button before stalking off to the living room. A muffled infuriated voice floats into the kitchen. Castiel blocks out the noise and instead traces his handwriting on the paper. He didn’t lie to Dean. Not necessarily. Just hid some of the truth. The sentence pops out to him even brighter than the rest of the words he’d written on that sheet. 

_I moved here 5 yrs ago...After my family was killed._

A bang comes from his living room, jerking Castiel off of his stool. Tentatively sticking his head out, he sees Dean’s hand flat on his wall and head resting against it, the phone still to his ear Castiel knows he shouldn’t spy into the man’s life, yet here he is leaning against the doorway, watching the rise and fall of Dean’s shoulders. 

“Sammy, please,” Dean whispers. “You fell for her and Dad found out. What did you expect?” 

He pauses, waiting for a response. 

“A change? She wasn’t human. She was one of them.” Dean snaps after a while, resentment clear on his face. “You do remember what happened to Mom, right? They don’t deserve this.” 

Castiel retreats back into the kitchen, not wanting to hear any more. Opening the fridge, he grabs the creamer and pours it slowly into his coffee, watching the swirl of white in the dark brown liquid. A few moments later, Dean walks into the kitchen with a solemn expression. He watches Dean sit down and take a sip of his coffee. Castiel heart thumps hard against his chest, afraid that Dean may find out he’s one of the creatures that Dean despises. It’s only logical to not get close to the human. He should forget about this stupid little crush. What is he thinking? A siren and a human? Impossible. 

“Sorry about that.” Dean finally says, his voice exhausted. “I really appreciate the coffee.” 

Castiel shakes his head and tries to give him a reassuring smile. With shaking hands, he grabs his pen and writes down: _No Problem._

“Fuck, Cas. I forgot you’re still wet from your swim.” Dean says with concern. His hand grabs on to Castiel’s shaking one. He’s warm. His hands, rough and calloused, but warm. “You should take a warm shower and get into something dry. I should go back to the motel anyway.” 

Dean gets up, draining the rest of the coffee in his cup before placing it in the sink. They walk to the front door together. After waving goodbye, Castiel closes the door slowly, leaning against it. Hitting his head lightly on the frame, he pushes himself forward to his room. It’d be better to forget about him. Dean would never want someone like him. Someone who is not human. Also, it would be dangerous for Castiel. If he assumed correctly, Dean may have a deep enough hatred for other species that he might be open to the idea of hunting them. If Castiel shows him who he really is… He’d rather not think about the consequences. 

~~~

“Cas!” Eileen shrieks as Castiel flicks some of his iced tea at her with his straw. “Come on, just tell me! Who is this guy you met?” 

_No._

“Don’t _no_ me.” She rolls her eyes, copying him by bringing her index and middle finger to her thumb. Castiel silently laughs as he sips his tea. 

“So, Cas…” Eileen shyly starts, running her finger through the leftover sauce on her plate. “Speaking of romance...I met someone.” 

Coughing in surprise, Castiel raises an eyebrow and indicates for her to keep talking. She hesitates before opening her mouth. Just then the waiter comes by to drop off the check. Castiel grabs the black faux leather wallet before Eileen could grab the check. 

“Cas, let me pay.” She groans. He glares at her with a strict look in his eyes. 

_It’s your birthday. Let me do this for you._ He signs.

“I didn’t do anything on your birthday. This is unfair.” She slouches and frowns. 

_You weren’t here. Plus, September 18th isn’t a date I like remembering._

He places his credit card in the plastic slot and waves down the waiter. Turning to his disgruntled best friend, he sighs and taps her foot with his shoe to get her attention. 

_Tell me about this new someone. That’ll be my gift._

She watches his hands as he gives his request. Blushing brightly, she looks to the left before looking down with a soft smile on her lips. She drums her fingers on the table, as another waiter come by, taking their empty plates. Smiling up at him, she turns her attention back to Castiel. 

“His name is Sam.” She says, tucking her loose hair behind her ear. “He’s incredibly nice and handsome. He’s very intelligent. He’s trying to learn sign language.” 

Castiel holds his finger up telling her to wait and takes out his notepad, writing something down quickly. _Are you talking about Sam Winchester?_

“You know him?” She asks, before freezing. “Wait, he’s not your guy, right?” 

Castiel rolls his eyes and moves his fingers, quickly. _No. You’re safe. It’s his brother._

“Oh! Totally cheesy, but if marriages happened, we’d be related.” She laughs then winks. 

Castiel gives her the finger before getting up to go the front desk, signing off on the check and retrieving his card. Eileen follows him, laughing. Still ignoring her, he walks out the restaurant through the glass doors and into the chilly night air. It’s been a few days since the night he went out into the sea and the storm has calmed. It’s the first night the skies have been clear. The crescent moon hangs high in the darkness. The stars twinkle, scattered across the navy blue sky. He closes his eyes, breathing in deep. The scent of wet dirt and the aroma of the seafood fill him as he shudders at the soft wind hitting him. 

“Cas?” A deep voice calls out in front of him. Castiel opens his eyes to meet the gaze of Dean’s green eyes. Cursing at Poseidon for dangling a man he could never have in front of him, he gives Dean a small but reserved smile. 

“I think the universe is telling us we need to be friends.” Dean huffs out a laugh. Castiel ducks his head, reminding himself he needs to deny any offer of friendship. The word _creature_ still haunts his mind. 

Just then, Eileen joins them with a bounce in her step. “Hi, Dean.” 

“Hey, Eileen.” Dean gives her a smile. “Do you two know each other?” 

“Yes. We’ve been friends since he moved here.” She replies, looking behind Dean, seeking for someone. “Is Sam with you?” 

Both the men smile at her knowingly and her eyes widen, trying to sputter out excuses. Dean holds his hand up and points to a sleek black car, where Sam stood leaning against the hood, talking on the phone. Eileen waves goodbye before running down the stairs to the parking lot, a little jump in her step. With that, Castiel and Dean are alone together. Again.

“Man, Sammy’s a lucky guy.” Dean sighs, turning to Castiel. “Before you give Sam the best friend speech, I’ll let you know I’ll be the first one to kick his ass if he hurts Eileen.” 

Castiel huffs out a silent laugh, shaking his head. Digging into his pocket he takes out his pocket notepad and pen, quickly writing his thought. _Trust me. Eileen can take care of herself. You haven’t seen her fight._

“Damn, okay.” Dean defensively says, holding up his hands after reading off the paper. “I believe you.” 

A few beats go by before Dean awkwardly coughs and shoves his hands into his jeans. He’s wearing a simple red button up over a black t-shirt with a large leather jacket. Catching himself from staring, Castiel distracts his thought process and instead focuses on writing down his question for Dean. 

_Are you here for dinner?_

“Oh, yeah.” He nods, replying to Castiel’s question. “We actually ordered takeout.” 

_Ask them for the garlic-lemon aioli. It’s good with any dish you get._

“Will do.” Dean nods, taking a step towards the restaurant, handing Castiel’s notebook back. He raises a hand to say goodbye and also turns around to go to his car. Before Cas can take another step forward, a hand grabs his upper arm, stopping him. 

“Uh…” Dean sputters after turning Castiel back around to face him. “Can we hang out, I don’t know, maybe this weekend? You don’t have to of course. I just… I think you’re cool and right now I probably sound like a teenager...” 

He keeps on talking as Castiel goes into an internal debate. Dean hates his kind. And what if he’s straight? Castiel knows he shouldn’t lead himself on. But what if Dean only meant as friends? Dean hadn’t necessarily asked him out. Even if he does pursue this friendship, Castiel doesn’t want to do it on a lie. Especially when he knows he can’t be found out. 

“Cas?” Dean says, his eyes frantic as he searches Castiel’s face, “I’m sorry if I overstepped.” 

In that moment, Castiel loses the debate with himself. He grabs onto Dean’s hand, which was still gripped tightly on his bicep, with his own. He squeezes and nods to indicate accepting his offer. Dean’s lips twitch up before breaking into a wide smile, crinkling the edges of his eyes. 

“Awesome!” His hand slips from Castiel’s shoulder, whipping out his phone. “Let me give you my number.” 

Castiel takes his phone out, letting his fingerprint unlock it. He passes it to Dean, watching him type in his name and number into his contacts before texting himself from Castiel’s phone. Dean returns Castiel’s phone before sliding his finger across his own to add Castiel to his contacts list. Dean types something quickly and Castiel’s phone buzzes with a new notification. 

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
8:33PM **

**Hey, now you don’t have to write on me anymore.**

Castiel snorts before looking up to see a smug smile on Dean’s face. He shakes his head before typing back a reply. 

**CASTIEL  
8:33PM **

**Thank the lord that I can now save the ink in my pens now.**

Dean’s phone pings and he smirks down at it before replying, “I don’t know. Keep those pens. I’ll bring the paper.” 

**CASTIEL  
8:34PM **

**Okay.**

“Okay. Um…” Dean coughs, pocketing his cell. “I’ll text you.” 

Castiel nods and then turns around to continue making his way down to his car. He turns his phone in his hands and smiles to himself. A warm feeling radiates from his chest to his abdomen. He leans against the hood of his car, crossing his ankles together. Keeping his simple crush at bay may be harder than he thought. He thinks that it’s like he was the sea and Dean was the moon from Anna’s story. Soul mates who are drawn to each other. 

“Cas?” Eileen says a little loudly, shaking his arm. “Thinking about Dean?” 

He looks up from his cell phone in surprise and immediately rolls his eyes. He brings his hand under his chin and moves it away from himself. Eileen mimics his eye roll and taps on the passenger seat door. Castiel reaches into his khakis and presses on the unlock button on his keys. Pushing himself off the hood, he turns to enter the driver’s side of his car. He turns on the car, looking back as he reverses from the parking spot. 

“Sam asked me on a date,” Eileen reveals, smiling brightly. She taps her foot against the floor. “I said yes.” 

Castiel nods and smiles back at her. He’s glad she’s going on a date with Sam. Even if he’s talked to him once, he can see the goodness in Sam. Both their personalities seem to match. When he stops at the red light, he turns to her spelling out S-A-M and rubbing his two hands together perpendicularly. 

“Yeah, he’s nice.” She nods, smiling down at her lap. She looks at him with a twinkle in her brown eyes. “But, is there something going on between you and Dean?” 

Just at that moment, the light turns green, letting Castiel ignore the question. Eileen nudges him with her finger, laughing at his reddening face. Taking a hand off the steering wheel, flipping up his middle finger at her. She, in return, laughs and places her head against the window, looking out at the dim lights of the various houses and businesses. 

“You know, I haven’t felt like this in a long time.” She says after her laughter dies out. “Growing up, people would say no one would like me the way I am. I punched them in the face when they said that but it still hurt, you know.” 

Castiel looks over, her eyes focused on the window. Her brown hair is down with big curls at the end. The light outside, highlight her evergreen dress shirt as her manicured hands lay on her lap. She’s always got this tough but calm exterior that sometimes even he forgets she’s hurting on the inside. When she was 8 years old, her family was killed by some rogue werewolves. She moved around a lot before finally settling down in this seaside town. 

He turns into the street where her condo is and parks it in front of it. Turning to Eileen, he brings up his hands to sign to her but instead taps on her shoulder and widens his arms for a hug. She smiles and leans over and gives him a quick hug before signing _thank you._ Castiel nods and returns the smile before finally signing to her: 

_Sam sounds like a nice person. You deserve this._

“Thanks, Cas,” Eileen says, opening the car door. “6:30 tomorrow? Get our running on?” 

_Yes._

Once she enters her house, they wave one last time and Castiel starts driving back home. The entire time, he tries to remember a time when he was the happiest. Eileen had said that whenever she felt lonely or isolated, she remembered a time she felt the happiest with her family. She told him about the time when she was eight and her family had all rented a movie and watched with closed captioning. Her father had bought these really big speakers and made her sit right next to it as he inserted _The Lion King._ It was the best memory she could think of She had told Cas that even if she couldn’t listen to the movie, the vibrations from the speakers had felt like a massage. Two years ago, after hearing that story, Castiel had decided to take Eileen to the local theater. He had told her to sit right next to where the speakers were. That night Eileen had said that she saw family in Castiel. How Castiel had become her brother. 

Castiel drives up to his house and parks the car. Sitting there in silence, he closes his eyes. The sound of the waves from the beach makes him smile as he’s taken back to the Mediterranean Sea. His father, Chuck, worked in Greece as a trader of deep-sea goods. The locals that his father had traded with were a mixture of different species. But then a group called The Men of Letters came to get rid of anyone who wasn’t human. As for his mother, she had died a few days after his birth. He never knew her but Anna had told him she was a siren from the coast of Ireland. The thoughts of his parents change into a memory of the time when Anna and him had swum to Cape Sounion, messing with ruins of Poseidon’s temple. The elders in their tribe scolded them when they found out about the phallic pictures they carved into the stone. 

A ping from his phone interrupts his journey through his memories. He picks it up and sees a message from Dean, reminding him that he’s now in the human world. No matter how many times he dreams about his past life, he’s left it. He can’t go back without the chance of being caught and skinned like a fish. Sliding his thumb on the screen, he lets his phone display the text. Reading it, a smile appears on to his face as he realizes that Dean has a peculiar sense of humor. 

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
9:08PM **

**The garlic aioli tastes great. Though Sam says it doesn’t go with his rabbit food. He should have just ordered the lobster. Maybe it has to do with the fact I told him he ate Sebastian from Little Mermaid when he was 9.**

Deciding to reply to him later, Castiel gets out the car, locking it before he opens up his door to his house. He drops his keys and phone onto the coffee table and goes to the bathroom. Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he notices how unruly his hair is. It was probably like that when he was talking to Dean. He places his hands on the counter and looks down at the sink, his head hanging low. Of course, this would happen to him. His hair probably looked like a mess. Finally, looking back at his reflection, he tries to flatten his hair before changing into his pajamas. 

Walking back to the living room, he sits down on the black couch and reaches for his phone. While he was in the bathroom, he had received a few more texts from Dean and one from Eileen. Opening up Eileen’s message first, he sighs and leans back against the cushions. A warm but glum feeling rushes into his heart as he reads the words 

**EILEEN LEAHY  
9:13PM **

**Hey, Thanks for the birthday dinner. <3  
Also, I think you and Dean would look great together. ;) **

Castiel’s not going to disagree that he hasn’t imagined himself with Dean. In a romantic sense… and sexual. How could he not? But he’s buried that in the deepest caverns of his mind. Especially after the night on the first day Castiel met him and the wet feeling when he woke up breathing hard. It is wishful thinking that they would look good together. Replying to Eileen, his mind wanders back to thinking about a possible date with Dean. How he’d possibly joke around with him. His finger hovers over the letters on his phone when he shakes his head, reminding himself that Dean is still some stranger who he’s only met twice. Plus, he has a distinct prejudice against anyone who isn’t human. 

**CASTIEL  
9:18PM**

**No problem. Happy Birthday, one last time. :)  
I am attracted to Dean but it won’t work. **

As Castiel waits for Eileen to answer his text, he opens up Dean’s messages. The first thing that emerges on his screen is a picture of his lobster with a drawing of a smiley face on it and a quote, “First. We’ve got to create… da moooood”. A wide smile emerges on Castiel’s face and keeps reading. 

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
9:13PM **

**Do you want to go eat lunch tomorrow? No Sebastians needed. ;)**

Castiel doesn’t want to think this is an invitation for a date. But if it is, he should say no. It’s not fair to himself nor to Dean. But that doesn’t mean the two of them can’t friends. Even if Dean has a prejudice against his kind. Maybe education can break through his ignorance, and it isn’t as if Dean is going to find out about Castiel. At least, he hopes. Taking a leap of faith and hope, Castiel starts writing his text. After a few more minutes of typing then backspacing and typing again, he is relieved when Eileen texts him back. 

**EILEEN LEAHY  
9:32PM **

**Why wouldn’t it work with Dean? The way he looks at you, it seems quite obvious that he’s into you and you yourself said you’re into him. What’s up?**

**CASTIEL  
9:33PM **

**I invited him to my place a week ago… Sam and him were talking on the phone and I overheard him talking about how he thinks non-humans were creatures… probably thinks of me as a monster… It’s just too dangerous.**

**EILEEN LEAHY  
9:33PM **

**Wait, does he know you’re a siren?**

**CASTIEL  
9:34PM **

**No. Not that I know of.**

**EILEEN LEAHY  
9:38PM **

**Okay, Cas. I know this is scary but I feel like you should go for him. I know he seems to have some idiotic and close-minded thinking but Sam is trying to apply for jobs as a lawyer so he can advocate for other species. They both seem so close. I don’t think one brother can be filled with so much hate and the other with love.**

**CASTIEL  
9:39PM **

**I’m scared**

**EILEEN LEAHY  
9:39PM **

**I know. You know if he hurts you I’m going to kill him. Right?**

**CASTIEL  
9:39PM **

**Ha. Ha.  
Thanks, Eileen. I can always count on you.  <3 **

**EILEEN LEAHY  
9:39PM **

**Go for it. <3 I got your back **

Castiel puts his phone down on the coffee table again and lets out a shaky breath. For five years he’s played it safe. He places his head in his hands, wondering what to do. He’s tried his best to keep himself safe from the world. He left his home, not that there is much left of his home. Should he take a leap into the deep end with his eyes closed? 

Picking his phone up again, he presses on Dean’s message thread and taps on the text bar. His thumbs hover over the keyboard as he decides to either meet for lunch or not. 

**CASTIEL  
9:45PM **

**Hello, Dean. I’d like to inform you that Sebastian is a Jamaican Crab, not a lobster. To your question, yes. I would love to go to lunch with you. There is a burger place near the lighthouse- I recommend it.**

Once he sends the text, Castiel gets up off the couch and turns off all the lights before getting ready for bed. Placing his phone on the nightstand and plugging it into the charger, he then shuffles under the blue and purple striped comforter. He lays on his back, staring at the wooden ceiling. His heart beats hard against his chest, fear coursing through his veins. Maybe he should have declined the offer but it’s too late to do anything. A sound from his phone startles him and he turns his head to see the light from the screen illuminate the nightstand. Flicking his eyes to the alarm clock, he reads the green numbers. It’s 10pm. He should sleep. But instead he reaches over to grab his phone. Dean had responded to his text. Gulping, he opens it. 

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
9:59PM **

**You’re joking right? Fuck, I thought it was a lobster the entire time… Apparently Sam already knew it was a crab… Fuck. Also, burgers sound great. Do they have pie?**

Castiel’s face softens as the tension in his body releases. Maybe he won’t tell him he’s a siren. It’s only the beginning; it’s not like anything serious is going to happen. And if it does, he’ll get to it when that happens. Deciding this was something he wants to pursue, he types out his reply. 

**CASTIEL  
10:02PM **

**They do have pie. The apple is quite good and they use locally grown ones. I’ll meet you there at noon?**

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
10:02PM **

**You know the way to a man’s heart. Burgers and Pie. Noon sounds great. I’ll see you then, Cas.**

**CASTIEL  
10:03PM **

**Goodnight, Dean.**

Finally, Castiel places his phone upside down on the table before turning on his side. Through he is scared about this whole thing, part of him dares to hope this might be something nice. Anna would be happy that he’s taking risks in his life. Smiling, he closes his eyes, waiting for sleep to come.


	3. Chapter 3

“Let me guess, a double cheeseburger for you, Cas?” Alex asks, already writing his order down on her notepad. She’s wearing her regular black pants and blue shirt, her dark brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. Her smile bright and her eyes twinkle with joy, as she looks at Castiel.

_Do you and Claire talk about my orders when you’re both off work?_

Alex watches Castiel’s hands, which were moving slower than usual. She brings her eyebrows together, trying to determine what Castiel was trying to sign. Once she understood the question, she throws her head back laughing. To that, Castiel gives her a big smile and looks over at Dean who is watching their interaction with interest. Their eyes meet for a second where Dean raises his eyebrows in a silent question. Castiel answers with a shake of his head, his smile still bright on his face. 

“No.” Alex snorts, sticking her tongue out at him. “We’re too busy making out and you have some kind of sexual relationship with cheeseburgers. It’s actually disturbing to watch.” 

Castiel feels the warmth fill his face as the smile on his face is replaced with an open mouth as he gapes at her. Shaking his head, all he can do is give her the finger and slouch in his booth. Dean has a fist over his mouth, obviously trying to stifle a laugh. To that, Castiel also gives him the finger, which just makes Dean try even harder to stop laughing. 

“Well, cheeseburger it is. What would you like?” Alex carries on, looking expectantly at Dean. 

Coughing, Dean replies, “I’ll have the Bacon Burger and garlic fries.” 

“Fantastic.” Alex confirms, ripping out the order from her notepad.“So just to clarify, I have one Bacon Burger with garlic fries and an erotic experience?” 

All Castiel could do is lightly bang his head on the table, lifting his hand up to sign yes. Once he hears her leave, he slowly looks up at Dean. Dean is watching him with an intrigued expression. At least he got to see him grin. The way the skin wrinkles next to Dean’s eyes makes Cas return a soft and shy smile. He straightens and turns to his backpack to take out a pen and a fresh notebook. Placing the brown leather on the table, he opens to the front page where he had written down the words, “Conversations with Dean”. 

“That’s awesome!” Dean exclaims, taking the notebook in his hands and flips through it. “You better have this every time we’re hanging out or else I’ll know you aren’t putting enough effort into our friendship.” 

Castiel clicks open his pen and grabs his notebook from Dean’s hand, quickly writing down” _As long as you always have a pen on you._

“Of course.” He agrees, tapping his fingers on the table. “So, what is up with you and the waitress.” 

_She is in the ASL class I teach. Also, her girlfriend works at one of my favorite diners._

Alex comes by, dropping off a beer and a strawberry milkshake. She winks at Castiel with laughter still on her lips. He watches Dean take a sip of his beer as Alex walks off to help another customer. The way Dean licks his lips, his pink plump lips, after the sip makes Castiel’s heart jump. The urge to feel those lips against his overcomes him. Distracting himself, he brings his own drink to him and sips through the straw. The strawberry flavor engulfs in his mouth and the background taste of the lavender the restaurant adds to the delicious experience. When Castiel looks back up at Dean, he sees him staring at his lips, which were still puckered around the straw. 

Letting go of the straw, Castiel leans back and picks up his pen. _The beer is locally made._

Dean leans over to read the note and nods his head, “It’s really good. But, I’ve got to say there is this place in Texas which has one of the best locally brewed beer I’ve tasted to date.” 

_That sounds cool. I’d love to taste some of that._

“I’m actually interested in tasting that milkshake,” Dean states, eyeing the glass in front of Castiel. Smiling, Castiel slides the glass towards Dean, watching him pick it up and taking a large sip from the rim. “Holy shit. What the fuck?” 

Castiel raises his eyebrows at Dean in question. 

“Sorry, this is the most...this is so good.” Dean sighs, lifting the cup for another sip. Castiel reaches across and grabs the glass midway, and shakes his head. He, possessively, slides the milkshake back over to himself and inches the beer bottle closer to Dean. “How about this, I drink the milkshake and you drink the beer?” 

Rolling his eyes, Castiel shakes his head and pointedly looks at Dean. He takes up his pen again, writing down the reasoning for why he cannot drink today. 

“Can’t you cancel your class?” Dean pleads, his fingers inching towards the milkshake. 

Shaking his head, Castiel pushes Dean’s hand away. Just then, Alex comes by to drop off their meals. Dean expresses his thanks before digging into his burger. He moans around it, chewing it, he points at Castiel and shakes his head. He mumbles some words. Castiel tilts his head, squinting his eyes in confusion. Dean stops chewing, his eyes set on Castiel. A few moments later, he shakes his head and quickly swallows and takes a sip of his beer. 

“This is some good burger,” Dean says, clearing his throat. 

Castiel mouths the expression _Ah_. Before bringing his fingertips to his chin and extending out. 

“What does that mean?” Dean asks, taking another bite of his burger. Castiel takes up his pen, scratching _Thnx_ onto the paper. “Oh... Isn’t there a fuck you just like that?” 

Castiel, who picked up his own burger, lets out a silent laugh and nods. Deciding to take a bite of his food before showing Dean the sign, he bites into the cheeseburger. Moaning, he closes his eyes as the juice of the meat flood his tongue. Taking one more bite, he opens his eyes to see Dean’s face redden around his cheeks, his freckles dark against the blush. Castiel raises his eyebrows in question and Dean, in return, widens his eyes. He watched him grab his beer and chug a few gulps. 

Dean clears his throat, “Damn, Ca-s… Enjoying that burger?” 

Castiel picks up on how Dean’s voice cracked at his name. Slowly, he realizes what Dean was insinuating at. He tilts his head and gives a pointed look at Dean before bringing his hand under his chin and extending out. Then, for full effect, flips him off. 

“That’s _fuck you_!” Dean exclaims, getting the attention of an elderly couple from a few tables over. They give Dean a stinky look, resulting in Castiel laughing at the situation. Dean smiles, signing the statement back to Castiel. 

From that day on, their friendship blossomed. Though Dean couldn’t understand sign language and Castiel’s hands would always start cramping up halfway through every conversation they’ve had, no else could really understand the other like they both did. They had lunch or got coffee almost every day. Castiel helped Dean get a job at the Sunnyside Auto Repair and brought him in to teach his Arts and Craft class how to change a tire. 

On Halloween, Dean came over with five DVDs of scary movies. With copious amounts of caffeine and beer, they both watched the movies, pausing every time child came knocking at the door. Dean was soft with children. He would get down to their level, compliments their costume, does impressions of Clint Eastwood whenever he saw a cowboy, and sneak in an extra piece of candy to anyone who was dressed up as Batman. The more Castiel found out about Dean, the harder he would fall for him. From lust, the feelings he felt for him turned romantic. But Dean was definitely straight. 

~~

It’s early November. The leaves were already on the ground and the air is chilly. Castiel sits on his bed with his laptop on his lap as he writes the curriculum for the new year of ASL for Beginners. The dates were set and he got a lot of people to sign up for them, including Sam and Claire. He was disappointed when Dean said he couldn’t because of his work hours, but it was nice to know he wanted to learn. A stream of light shines through the slits between the curtains. Castiel looks over at the doors and looks at the sky. The clouds were moving, letting the sun peek through. 

Looking back at his laptop, the blinking bar on his document taunts him. He knows he should be making the lesson plans for the first week of class, even if it’s in two weeks. Plus the final test for his advanced class is next Monday. The grading would put him back and he also wanted a vacation for at least a week. He resists the urge to go outside, carrying on with his work. Two bullet points in, a ping interrupts Castiel’s thought process. An email from the local high school. 

_Dear Castiel Novak,_

_We’ve recently opened up a new language option in our high school and heard about your work with sign language at the YMCA. This may be short notice, but we would like to add Sign Language to our curriculum to the Sequim High School second semester. We would love to have a meeting with you in the next week to work on the logistics and see if we can work together. Let us know as soon as possible._

_Thank You,  
Principal Billie Kifo _

_Go Wolves!_

Castiel gasps, sitting up straight. He reads the email 3-4 more times, before standing up. His mouth opens and closes like a fish struggling to breathe. He mouths the statement _Oh Poseidon_ over and over again, his heart beating hard in his chest. The excitement Castiel feels bubbles over, leading him to press play on his radio and jumping on the bed. Lady Gaga sings through the speakers as he badly dances to the beats. 

He reaches down and grabs his phone, typing out a text to Eileen. 

**CASTIEL  
1:24PM **

**GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!**

**CASTIEL  
1:24PM **

**Wait, you’re at work. I’ll just tell you... Sequim High School offered me a job, well an interview!!**

The song on the radio ends and transitions to another pop song. He taps on his phone with his pointer finger, before plopping down on his bed, bouncing a little. He taps on his conversation with Dean, typing out his excitement to him. He reads it over and taps the arrow button. 

**CASTIEL  
1:26PM **

**Hello Dean  
I just got a job offer from the high school to teach sign language! **

It only took a few seconds until his phone buzzed with a reply. 

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
1:26PM **

**FUCK YEAH! We should celebrate. Meet me near the trail to the lighthouse? I’m going to bring beer.**

**CASTIEL  
1:27PM **

**Sure. I’ll meet you there in 15.**

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
1:27PM **

**Awesome!**

Castiel sets his phone aside, grabbing his laptop to save this document and turning it off. He climbs off his bed and goes to his bathroom with a jump in his step. He looks in the mirror, surprised at the wide smile he had on his face. Everything feels good. Nothing could bring his day down. Washing his face, he puts on his deodorant and changes his sweats into some jeans. Smoothing the rough material that stretched over his thick thighs, he lets out a little laugh remember of the day Dean took him to the thrift shop. Dean had declared, though the khakis and sweats looked good on him, jeans would look fantastic. Plus, in Dean’s own words, ‘he’d pick up some hot chicks’ then changing the ‘chicks’ to ‘dudes’ when Castiel lets him know about the fact he’s gay. 

With that, he grabs his phone and the notebook and decides to walk to the entrance of the trail. It takes him less than 10 minutes. Dean was already leaning against his ‘baby’, or also known as his 1965 Chevy Impala, talking on the phone with someone. He was wearing an evergreen henley with a brown leather jacket. His dark jeans had a few holes in the knees, exposing some pale skin. HIs jeans were littered with smears of grease. Castiel waves at him when they make eye contact, before jogging over. Dean quickly bids his goodbye to whoever was on the phone before pulling Castiel into a hug. 

“Dude!” Dean laughs into his ear before letting a very surprised Castiel go. “Congratulations future teacher.” 

Castiel signs a thank you and at the same time trying to calm his heart down. Dean had never hugged him before. He blushes, looking down at the sandy ground. Dean slaps his back and turns around to grab a four pack of beer on his sleek black car, pulling Castiel towards the trail to the lighthouse. And Castiel follows with an adoring look at the back of Dean’s head. His feelings for Dean were still strong, even if he tries to remind himself it’s impossible. 

“By the way, I told Sam so you might get a very excited text after he’s done with work.” Dean states as they get closer to the white lighthouse. The sun peeks through the clouds, reflecting off the windows on top of the tower. 

Castiel nods and takes a few quick steps to the door, opening it to let Dean in. They both climb up the squiggly stairs. Their steps against the concrete steps echo against the walls. When they both get to the top, the view of the sea and the seaside town always takes Castiel’s breath away. But this time it was Dean’s sweet smile and soft eyes at the view that took Castiel’s breath away. They sat down on the wooden bench, placed by someone in the 1980s. The carved inscription explained a love story between a man and a woman who could not be together but always came to the lighthouse to sit and talk. 

“You know,” Dean sighs, looking over at Castiel and handing him a beer bottle after opening it. “When I came here I thought it would be temporary. I just wanted to get away from my dad and I dragged Sam along with me. I overused the excuse that Sam and dad kept fighting and we needed to get out of that situation. But, honestly, I just wanted to get away from my dad. I don’t know why. But I’m happy I did. I got to meet you, get to know this tiny town. I’m just happy right now.” 

Castiel puts his beer down next to his feet and takes out the pocket notebook and holds out his hand. Dean snorts while his takes a sip out of his own bottle before shoving his hand into his jeans’ front pocket and slaps a pen onto Castiel’s hand. He writes down: _I’m glad I got to meet you too. Also, I’m happy you’re happy now._

“Thanks, Cas.” He says with sincerity. Taking another large gulp of his beer, before leaning over to grab his pen from Castiel’s hands and drawing a face with devil horns on the notebook. 

Castiel signs the letter _D_ , the sign he uses for Dean and rolls his eyes. In return, Dean draws a little man with wings and writes _Cas_ down next to it. Grabbing the pen, Castiel writes down Dean’s name over the devil. Laughing at it, Dean surrenders, leaning back. 

“What do you want to do tonight?” Dean asks, drinking from the bottle. 

_Do you want to watch a movie?_

“Sure, anything good on right now?” He questions, taking his phone out to research what movies the theatre was showing tonight. “Hey, they’re doing a rerun of Star Wars.” 

Castiel raises his eyebrows. 

“You’ve never seen Star Wars, have you?” Dean slowly asks, his eyes wide. Castiel shakes his head, leading Dean to just let out a long sigh. “Okay that’s settled, we’re watching Star Wars tonight.” 

Castiel nods in agreement. 

“Obviously, we’ll watch Episode 4 first.” Dean states like it were common information. “The two theatres are giving a choice of starting from Episode 1 or 4, which is stupid because everyone knows Episode 4 is where you start.” 

Castiel writes, _why? Isn’t it logical to start with the first episode?_

“Hell no.” Dean shakes his head. “The prequels are not a place to start. Even if Obi-Wan is hot, you have to start with Han Solo.” 

_I don’t know who these people are._

Dean grabs his pen and writes underneath, _You will._

Dean moves on to his second bottle of beer while Castiel’s stays untouched near his foot. Realizing this, Castiel leans down and takes a sip of the bitter taste. He’s always been more a wine person, but Dean bought this for him. He is surprised when the after-taste of apple erupt against his tongue. He hums at the taste takes another taste. 

“Do you like it?” Dean asks, staring at Castiel’s face with a curious look. Castiel nods. “I noticed you didn’t like the kind of beer I drink, so I found this and thought you’d probably like it.” 

Castiel smiles widely, thanking him. Dean picks up on the sign and shyly looks back at the view, taking another sip from his bottle. Clearing his throat, Dean looks back at Castiel with a different look on his face. The staring between them was normal, even if Sam and Eileen say it isn’t normal. Eileen, the other day, explained it looked like they were having _eye-sex._ Castiel had waved it off, but slowly, the past couple of days, he’s noticed a peculiar spark in Dean’s eyes. 

“Cas…” Dean whispers, his eyes flicking down to his lips. Their faces gravitated closer, without the both of them noticing. Dean licks his lips, getting Castiel’s attention on the wet, plump, and pink lips. In the next moment, the clouds clear up a little more, letting the sun through. The rays illuminate the top of the lighthouse as Dean closes the distance between them. Castiel lets out a breath he didn’t know was holding when soft lips touched his own. Dean’s free hand wraps around Castiel’s waist, pulling him into the kiss. Their mouths move together, wet and hurriedly. 

The only thing going on in Castiel’s mind at that moment was, Dean is _kissing me. Me._ Setting his beer bottle down behind him, Castiel places his hands on Dean’s chest, wrapping his fingers around the collar of the henley, pulling Dean in even closer. Their noses squish together as they hungrily suck at each other lips. Castiel gasps as Dean bites down on his bottom lip, joining his hand which held the bottle to Castiel’s back. Pushing him back, Dean moves to lie Castiel onto his back as he trails his lips down his jaw. Castiel’s mouth is slack and his eyes closed enjoying the soft wet lips against his stubble. Sliding his hand up Dean’s chest, he deepens the kiss as he hears him slightly moan. Gaining more courage, he cups his hand underneath Dean’s jawline, lightly brushing his thumb against the rough edge. He’s pushed back, hitting something with his elbow. 

A clanging interrupts them as Castiel’s beer bottle rolls from behind him off the bench and shattering onto the floor. The liquid seeps out, darkening the concrete on the ground. Castiel looks back up at Dean’s confused face and feels an icy cold feeling pool into his stomach as Dean’s expression changes into anger. He gets off of Castiel quickly, as if he was burned. His eyes wide and wild. Castiel doesn’t understand what exactly just happened. 

Dean’s shaking hand goes up to his hair pulling at it, his knuckles white. Castiel sits up, licking his lips, still tasting the apple and alcohol flavor from Dean’s lips. He signs Dean’s name with a questioning expression. Getting nothing, he tentatively reaches his hand, brushing it against his forearm. Dean flinches it away, shaking his head with his eyes screwed shut leading Castiel into even more bewilderment. 

“Don’t touch me,” Dean growls, stepping back further. “I’m not gay.” 

Castiel’s hand, which was still hanging in the air, curls up and falls back on his lap. He knew this was too good to be true. He let Dean kiss him, knowing he shouldn’t have. Though, why did he kiss him in the first place?

“Fuck. Shit.” Dean swears, throwing his almost empty bottle at the other side of the wall. Castiel flinches, curling up against himself. “I’m not a _fag_ , damn it.” 

Castiel looks down at the floor, watching the liquid from the broken bottle seep into the ground. His sight blurry and his chest constricting. He should have known this would happen. He should have known. It’s his own fault. From the corner of his eye, Castiel could see Dean pacing, muttering with venom in his tone. Without another thought, Dean grabs the last beer bottle from the paper holder and turns to the stairs, leaving Castiel alone and in agony.

Once Dean is gone, a strangled sob erupts from Castiel’s throat. The sun disappears behind the dark gray clouds that cover the sky. The ocean crashes against the shores loudly, as the wind picks up outside. Tears fall from Castiel’s eyes as the rain starts falling outside. He should have known. 

After fifteen minutes, Castiel finally gets the courage to leave the lighthouse, walking slowly back to his house. A few pings come from his phone. It was Eileen’s excited texts back to him about the job offer. Not in the mood to talk to anyone, he ignores her. Once he gets home, Castiel places his phone on his couch, his messages unanswered. Logically, he knows he should talk to Eileen, she’d know exactly what to do to make him feel better but the pain scorches through his chest. His hands limp against his side and head hung down, Castiel’s tunneled vision makes him dizzy. Shuffling his feet towards his room, he climbs into bed, pressing his face into his pillow and lets his tears wet the cloth. 

Castiel couldn’t sleep. He stayed in his bed for three hours. His pillow wet from tears that stopped forming in the first thirty minutes. His eyes tired but his mind replaying the kiss and the rejection over and over again in his mind. The words, _I’m not a fag,_ repeating against the walls of his dark gloomy room. The sunset at 4:30 pm, An indication of winter coming. He sits up against his headboard, weakly supporting himself with his hands. Grabbing his laptop, which he set aside this afternoon. Opening it, he pulls up his internet. Slowly, he types in _Star Wars,_ the clicking of the keyboard echoing in the quiet room. Then, he double clicks on episode 4, the movie Dean and him were going to go see tonight. Clicking on the green button with his mouse, he rents the movie. The Lucasfilm logo appears on his screen as he wipes the dried up tears under his eyes. 

After 15 hours and 3 movies, Castiel, with dark circles under his eyes falls asleep with the credits of _Return of the Jedi_ running on his laptop. Thankfully, he had canceled the study session for the test and moved it to the next day. Little did Castiel know, his phone in the living room had kept ringing all throughout the night. 

He had only gotten 3 hours of sleep when a loud banging wakes him up. He sluggishly moves to the doors in his bedroom and opens the curtains to see a very pissed off Eileen. He sighs, opens up the door just to get a finger digging into his chest and her yelling very loudly into his face. 

“I’ve been calling you for more than 20 hours!” She screams, her voice cracking at the end. “I’ve been so worried. I called Dean, he wouldn’t pick up. I called Sam, he doesn’t even know where Dean is right now. What the hell!?!” 

Castiel jerks back at the sound of Dean’s name. He lets Eileen into the house, signing, _sorry._

“Sorry?” She exclaims, turning to close the doors. “I was worried sick and Sam is worried about where Dean is. Do you know where he is?” 

Castiel looks down at his feet, hiding the tears forming in his eyes. He shakes his head. No. He doesn't know where Dean is. Nor does he really want to at the moment. The back of his mind seeps in asking if he really doesn’t care. Dean’s still his friend. He still loves Dean. 

“Cas, did something happen?” Eileen comes up to him, placing her hand on his shoulder. 

He looks up, shaking his head again. A tear betraying his gesture. 

“Cas, what happened?” She pulls him over, sitting them both down on the edge of his bed. He keeps his eyes focused on the scars on his feet. On how ugly they are. On how ugly they make him. On how ugly he is. 

“Cas?” 

Letting out a shuddered breath, Castiel brings his shaking hands up. _You can’t tell anyone. Not even Sam._

“Okay, I won’t.” 

Taking a few more breaths to get the courage, the strength to tell her. He wipes his tears before starting to explain with the fury of his hands. 

_Dean kissed me yesterday. Then freaked out for some reason. Saying that he wasn’t a…’fag’._

“Oh, Cas…” She says with a soothing voice. Wrapping her hand around him, she whispers words he couldn’t hear as he sobbed into her black and blue scrubs. “Do you want to take a bath? Those sometimes help you feel better on bad days.” 

Castiel considers it for a moment before nodding his head. She leaves him to go to the bathroom. Hunching over, he closes his eyes. Some drops from his eyes fall onto his bare feet. The sound of gushing water fills the house. The weather outside was still gloomy from the night before. After a few more squeaks from the bathroom, Eileen emerges and lets him know the bathtub is ready. 

Walking into his bathroom, he closes the door and leaning up against it. Looking to his side, Castiel is disgusted by his appearance. No wonder Dean was so offended by kissing him. His usual bags underneath his eyes were even darker. Blotches of dried tears stuck to his cheeks and his hair was a bigger mess than usual. Leaning over the sink, he washes his face, scrubbing hard against his skin. Looking back up at himself, he scowls at himself before ripping his gaze off of himself. 

Slowly taking off his clothing, Castiel feels wrong in his skin. As if he is fake. A disgusting fake. Stepping into the warm water, he sits down in the crowded tub as the scales on his legs start emerging. After a few minutes, his lower half is turned back into his tail. Unlike the last time he went swimming, he doesn’t feel beautiful with it. Not only is he a _monster_ but he’s also _gay._ If he wasn’t he wouldn’t have lost a friend yesterday. Everything would have been fine. He would have gone to see Star Wars last night. Probably made some jokes here and there. Instead, he cried in bed and watched them by himself, thinking about Dean. Always thinking about Dean, especially when Han Solo had been on screen. 

Eventually, he drifts off to sleep. His dark blue tail, squished against the white bathtub and his head, uncomfortably tilted on the side. 

~

_Screams echo all around him. He’s limping against the cold, grainy, wet sand. The wind hits him face on. It’s sharp and mean. The rain shoots at his skin as if it’s made of glass instead of water. Squinting up ahead, he sees blobs of two humans and two sirens. Coming closer, he notices a gun. A silver gun that reflected a light from a car in the distance. The gun was pointed at a siren with red hair. He knows what is happening. Running faster towards them, his head starts feeling woozy. The blood seeping through the two holes in his feet stains his footsteps. Then, a flash of lightning strikes, just bright enough to see his sister fall to the ground completely lifeless._

~

“Cas!” Eileen yells, banging on the door. Castiel wakes up, gasping for air. His tail had thrashed water all over the bathroom. He brings up his shaking hands, signing _I’m okay_ over and over again. 

“Did you have a bad dream again?” She asks, leaning over him to open up the drain. He nods. “I’m sorry. That’s never fun.” 

She grabs his towel and hands it to him. Castiel lays it across his lap as he keeps sitting in the tub, waiting for his tail to turn into a pair of legs again. Eileen and him have played this waiting game many times. She sits down on a stool next to him, with a book in her hands. Flipping to a new page, she reads and Castiel listens. Distracting was a tool that helped. And that’s the tool he uses to get by. 

Days go by. Castiel’s interview for the school job goes well and is assigned a classroom starting January 21st of next year. Everyone had done well on the last test of Advanced Sign. He took a break for a week, where he took a few swims in the ocean, stretching his fins out. He had helped Eileen in the clinic with translation. When Beginners ASL started, he couldn’t stop himself from asking Sam about Dean. He was down in Seattle. The shop sent him out to do a special restoration for a client who used to live in Sequim but only trusted the auto shop in Sequim. Sam had thought it was weird since Dean had denied the job at first. But Castiel knew why. 

On the night after Thanksgiving, Castiel sits down in front of his TV with some leftovers Missouri had sent with him. Turning the channel to BBC, he notices a documentary on underwater life. Even if he knew most of everything, he decided to watch to see if the humans had accurate facts about the different animals down there. Just when he gets comfortable on the couch a loud knock and a few rings of his doorbell fill his house. Sighing he puts down the pumpkin pie and grudgingly gets off the couch. When he looks through the hole in the door, he sees no one. Whoever thought playing ding dong ditch was fun should just shove their head into packed snow. 

Castiel turns, taking a few steps towards the couch when he hears a weak knock against his door again. Frustrated, he rips open the door ready to glare at the person playing this inconvenient joke on him. Instead, he is surprised when he looks down on his porch.


	4. Chapter 4

“Ca-ass.” Dean slurs, his body against the wall of his house. He’s sitting on the ground with an empty bottle of whiskey. His eyes are unfocused, his face is flushed, and he has a dopey smile on his face. “Cas, I missed you.” 

Dean tries to stand up but ends up leaning against the beam in the middle of the doorway, neither inside nor outside Castiel’s home. Shaking his head, Castiel tries to take deep breaths but shaky labored breaths come out. It has been weeks since he’s seen, Dean. Flashes of the rejection pass by him. Looking back down at Dean, Castiel notices sorrow in his expression that stares up at him. His usually bright green eyes, dull and sad. Matching his aspect, Dean’s grey button down was wrinkled and dirty and his muddy brown slacks were wet, possibly from the puddles outside. 

“Cas…” Dean practically whimpers, his hand weakly reaching for him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

Sighing, Castiel kneels on the ground and looks into Dean’s tired mossy green eyes. The usual spark from the golden specks was missing. His heart tightened as Dean’s hand meets his cheek and tries his damn hardest not to lean into it. His hand was cold and sweaty against his skin. Castiel grabs Dean’s wrist, pulling his hand away from his face. He didn’t know it was possible, but Dean’s sorrowful face grows even sadder as the edge of his fingertips slides away from Castiel’s cheek. He nods his head as if he understood why Castiel wasn’t letting him touch him, turning to reach for the whiskey. 

Grabbing it from Dean’s hand, Castiel takes the bottle and places it on the side table next to the doorway, right next to the plastic lavender flowers. He brings his attention back to Dean, who is leaning against the doorway with his eyes closed. With a firm jaw, he moves to take Dean’s hands onto his shoulder and hoists him up. Taking most of his weight onto himself, he walks backward as Dean stumbles through the doorway and into his house. Using his feet to close the door, he squats a little to get more of a grip on Dean. 

“Mmm…” Dean mumbles into Castiel’s ears, wrapping his hands around him. “God, you smell so good.” 

Castiel feels his heart jump into his throat. He swallows, pushing Dean just enough to get him to stop hugging him. He could smell the liquor on his breath plus the underlying apple-cinnamon scent Dean always has. Starting to lead him to his bedroom, Castiel’s upper body strains. While passing his television set, Dean abruptly stops, almost tripping Castiel, and stares at the female octopus blowing onto her eggs.

_“The female Octopi are known for their motherly sacrifice. Once she lays her eggs, she doesn’t leave them for one second, even for food, until she uses her last breath to bring them to life.”_ The deep voice narrates.

“Did you know that Cas?” Dean asks, leaning even further on Castiel. He grunts and nods yes, pulling Dean into his bedroom “That’s so sad.” 

Practically throwing Dean onto the bed, Castiel huffs a breath. Taking a look at Dean, his eyes are now open, looking at Castiel with adoration. Looking away, he kneels to take off Dean’s shoes, dropping them near the foot of the bed. He grips at the bundle of his blanket, covering Dean up. As he’s getting up to leave, Dean grabs his hand and pulls him close.

“Please don’t leave me.” Dean whispers, his voice cracking and a single tear travels from his right eye into the crook of his nose. “I need you.”

Castiel relents his own need to keep distant from Dean at the moment and sits down on the edge of the bed, his hand still in Dean’s. Raising another hand, Castiel wipes the tear from Dean’s face. He watches him close his eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep. Slowly, he slips his hand from Dean’s hand returning to the living room where his documentary was listing facts about jellyfish. Tapping his fingers against his thighs, Castiel remembers what he was going to do. He steps into his bathroom, grabbing the empty wastebasket and placing it next to Dean. He also quickly runs to the kitchen and grabs a glass of water to place at the bedside.

Before leaving Dean in his bed, he takes a look at his unconscious state. His expression has a certain peace to it, even if he looks dehydrated and sweaty. Castiel reaches for the light switch, plunging the room into darkness. It wasn’t total darkness, a yellow light from his porch falls across Dean’s sleeping form, highlighting his light brown hair. Castiel’s heart tugs at the scene. Knowing how he had hurt him almost a month ago and him coming back almost blackout drunk is completely unfair to him.

Stepping back into the living room, Castiel grabs the remote, turning his TV off. He takes off two of the pillows on the couch, placing them on the coffee table. He takes the pillow with the stitch of bees and laid his head on it. Covering himself with the royal purple knit blanket, he shuffles until he finds a comfortable position. His eyes were wide, knowing Dean was in his room. He had worked so hard to take care of himself. It took him days to accept that whatever at the lighthouse had happened and it was time to move on. Yet, here he is, at the brink of another breakdown. Shutting his eyes, Castiel decides to set this aside, wishing for sleep to come.

A retching sound wakes Castiel awake from a dreamless sleep. Running into his bathroom, he sees Dean over the toilet, throwing up every drop of whiskey, every morsel of food into the white porcelain bowl. He coughs and looks up at Castiel. All he could do is turn back to the bowl and throw up again. Castiel looks back at the bedside, seeing the untouched glass of water. Swiftly grabbing some Advil and a fresh glass of water, he kneels down next to Dean, careful to not touch him with anything other than the finger he gets his attention with.

Dean groans, dramatically glancing over his shoulder. He grabs at the two pills, popping them into his mouth before wrapping his hand around Castiel’s hand on the glass and guiding it to his mouth. He tries to slide his own hand out from under Dean’s but when he started moving, Dean’s grip only tightened. Finally having the courage to look into Dean’s eyes, he notices him staring at him intensely as he gulps the water down.

Once he’s done, Dean wipes his mouth, leaning back against the wall before signing _thank you._ Castiel blinks a few times, processing the sign. Dean’s never signed to him before. It was surprising to see him even try. He nods to Dean, walking out the bathroom and to the kitchen. Placing the glass in the sink, he holds his hand where Dean had touched. The tingling in his skin makes his heart flutter. Squeezing his hand, Castiel repeats to himself about how he needs to keep himself in check. He can’t handle another rejection. Not again.

The sound of water rushing comes from the bathroom, reminding Castiel to get Dean a new change of clothes. Quickly, going to his closet, he grabs one of his black sweats and a loose t-shirt with a picture of a bear on it. Knocking on the bathroom door, Castiel waits for Dean to open it. When he emerges from the bathroom, Dean is only wearing his brown slacks low on his hips. The batman boxers he had always bragged about peeked from under. Castiel had always imagined Dean having freckles all over and today he’s proven right. From his thick but defined abdomen to the dark little spots on his collarbones makes Castiel’s mouth go dry. Dean clears his throat, snapping Castiel’s attention back to his face; a feeling of warmth rise through his neck and into his cheeks. Thankfully he wasn’t the only one with a crimson blush. The tips of Dean’s ears were red as well as his cheeks. Quickly shoving the clothing into Dean’s bare chest, Castiel practically runs out his room back to the kitchen.

Breathing deeply, he closes his eyes trying with all his might to focus on something other than how good Dean looked. Remembering Dean still probably has a hangover from last night, he puts himself to work, deciding to cook some sausage and eggs for breakfast. The aroma fills the air as he also works on some coffee for the both of them. As he’s pouring the coffee out into two cups, Dean comes into the kitchen with his hair wet, the shirt fitting perfectly on him and the sweats sagging against his hips a little. His eyebrows scrunch together, looking at a plate of two sunny-side-up eggs and slices of sausage.

“Cas?” Dean asks, looking at him with a perplexed expression. As if he couldn’t believe he was still kind after the fact that he took Castiel heart stomped on it and tore it up into a million pieces. At least, that’s what Castiel would like to believe what Dean’s face was portraying.

Castiel grabs his grocery list notepad, ripping out the first page, which had a few food items written, and writes out: _You need to eat protein. Takes care of your hangover faster._

“Cas, the Advil is working, you didn’t have—“ Dean’s interrupted by the loud scratching of a pen against paper.

_Just eat the goddamn food, Dean._

Dean is taken aback at the fierceness of the demand and immediately sits down on the stool and digs into the eggs with the fork. He makes a disgusted face, but immediate smiles around it when he notices Castiel staring at him. He takes another bite, chewing it slowly. Shaking his head, Castiel grabs the salt and pepper from the other counter and places it right next to Dean’s plate, doing the same with his cup of coffee. Busing himself with cleaning the kitchen, he ignores Dean’s gaze and the sound of his annoyingly loud chewing.

With everything done, Castiel reaches for his own coffee cup and adds the creamer and sugar. When turning back to Dean, his plate is finished and is currently sipping on his coffee, made black; just the way he likes it.

“Cas, I…” Dean struggles to say. “We should talk.”

As Castiel drinks from his cup, he scoffs and takes the seat next to him and gives him his full attention.

Dean circles his finger around the rim of the cup before speaking again, “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Cas. I don’t know how to explain this.”

Castiel picks up his pen. _Then, figure it out._

Dean nods, taking another sip of his coffee like it’s liquid courage.

“When I was four years old, my mom died.” Dean starts, not daring to look at Castiel. “It was a murderous harpy that was terrorizing the town we lived in. He had a thing for stealing 6-month-olds to send them to a demon who could raise them to be knights of hell.” He pauses to take another sip. “The harpy was going to kidnap Sammy but my mom woke up right then and… in simple terms, she was ripped to shreds.”

Castiel hadn’t touched his coffee since Dean had started talking. He thought they were good friends before the whole fiasco happened but he didn’t even know. This is where the hatred of other species had sprouted. He could understand why now. Dean finally looks up at him with distraught eyes. He fixates on his cheek before letting one of his hands come up to his face, wiping a tear Castiel didn’t even know he had. 

“My dad woke me up, trying to save my mom and gave me Sam. I ran out of the house with him in my hands. After that, my dad lost it. He took to the bottle. He dragged us around the country finding monsters and killing them, hoping one day he’d kill the harpy. We did find out about the harpy; she was killed by the same demon she was working for. And, well, for the demon… My dad took care of him.” Dean sighs, looking up at the ceiling. “My life was never normal. I didn’t get to have childhood… When I had a crush on this guy in high school, my dad kind of found out and sent me to this special five-day camp.” 

Dean lets out a sob and covers his face with both his hands. At this sight and heaviness of the words, Castiel stands out of his chair and lightly strokes his hand through Dean’s hair. After a few seconds, Dean turns on the stool and wraps his hands around Castiel’s waist. Letting him cry into his chest, Castiel keeps up a soothing rhythm against the ends of his hair with his fingers.

“Wait, Cas,” Dean mumbles, pushing him back a little. “I’m really sorry. I was scared and I took it out on you. I understand if you don’t forgive me—“

Castiel places a finger on Dean’s lips, shushing him. He shakes his head before cupping Dean’s face with his hands and strokes his cheekbones with his thumbs. Looking into his eyes, Castiel gulped trying to think rationally about this situation. He’s hurt. Hell, both of them are hurt. But Dean hurt him personally. His heart beats hard as he ponders over what he really should do. Yes, he was heartbroken but the little flame for Dean still burned inside of him. His brain was telling him to forgive him but walk away but his heart reached out to him. 

“Fuck, Cas.” Dean whispers, closing his eyes, his eyelashes softly fluttering against his cheekbones. “I really like you. Can I kiss you?”

Listening to his heart, Castiel nods and leans down to bring their lips together. It’s short and chaste. He tastes the salt and the coffee on Dean’s lips before moving to kiss him on his forehead and pulling him into a hug again, cradling his head against his chest. Dean’s hands grip on the back of Castiel’s shirt, keeping the hold on him tight as if he’d disappear. A few minutes pass by and they finally let go of each other; Dean leaning up to steal a kiss. Castiel hums into his mouth, their lips moving against each other.

When they separate, Dean speaks up, “I want to take you out on a real date, if you’d let me.”

To respond, Castiel reaches for the notepad and pen but Dean stops his hands with his own. He holds up a finger, before jumping off the stool and running out the kitchen. Castiel, confused, squints at Dean as he comes back with something black in his hands. He places the black object onto the table; Castiel recognizes it as his moleskin notebook, the one he had left at the lighthouse.

“I went back that night…” Dean mumbles, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m sor—“

Castiel, with tears in his eyes, wraps his arms around Dean’s neck. Immediately, Dean’s hands respond to his hug. He could feel Dean’s shoulders releasing tension and squeezes around his waist tightly. Leaning back from the embrace, Castiel quickly gives Dean a short kiss on his cheek before writing his response to Dean’s original question in the notebook.

_I would love to go on a date with you._

Dean, nervously biting his lower lip, reads the note and sighs in relief, “Thanks, Cas. Tonight?”

Bringing his hand up, Castiel slides his thumb across Dean’s plump lower lip. Like it was an addiction, he leans in for a kiss again. Relieved that Dean kept responding, he smiles into the kiss. When he leans back, he notices a peaceful look on Dean’s face. He lets out a small laugh when Dean chases his lips, making Dean open his eyes. He playfully scowls, making Castiel laugh even harder. Deciding he doesn’t want Dean to leave just yet, he thinks of an idea.

_This might be unconventional, but do you want to go on a date now?_

“Now? I don’t think I can find a nice restaurant and get a reservation…” Dean rambles as he plays with the collar of shirt Castiel’s wearing.

Castiel gives him a soft smile, appreciating Dean’s thought to go on one of those fancy dates but he shakes his head. As he writes down his suggestion, Castiel’s smile gets wider thinking about how Dean would have dressed up in a nice button down. Probably stolen one of those red roses from Eileen’s neighbor’s garden for him and had come to his door with a shy smile and a crimson blush. Honestly, Dean would look out of place. He’d look at the menu and be disappointed with it not having a burger or pie. Possibly disgusted at the fancy ‘deconstructed’ berry crust crumble. That’s why Castiel feels a sense of pride of knowing Dean well enough to suggest this idea.

_I need to go grocery shopping. Let’s defy the norms?_

Dean laughs. Castiel could see the little bit of tension in his shoulders melt away. 

“Yeah, let’s defy the norms. Go take a shower and we’ll leave. You stink.”

Castiel rolls his eyes, slapping the back of Dean’s head as he passes by him.

~  
“Cas, will you stop putting the instant noodles back on the rack.” Dean groans for the fifth time, placing three of the ramen noodles into the shopping cart.

It’s been two hours into their grocery date. If you asked Castiel, it was Dean’s fault for taking advantage of every empty aisle and shoving him against the racks to kiss his neck. If you asked Dean, it was Castiel’s fault because he kept taking out everything he would place in the cart, claiming something about healthy choices. To Dean’s frustration, Castiel signed ‘no’ just as Dean places the three bowels into the cart.

“I’m going to claim ignorance since I don’t know sign language.” Dean gives him a shit-eating smile as he adds another noodle cup to the cart. Castiel signs the letter _D_ with a pointed look that just made Dean copy it back with a sarcastic look on his face.

“I swear, even Sam isn’t as picky.”

Castiel quickly reaches for the notebook to give him a reply but before he could write anything down, Dean grabs it from his hands and shoves it deep into his front pocket.

“You aren’t going to grope me in front of everyone, are you?” Dean smirks, taking charge of the cart as they go to the checkout counter. “Talking about Sam, did you know Eileen and him were dating?” 

With a tilt of his head, Castiel indicated he had no idea. Remembering the time when Sam had asked her out a few months ago, he didn’t ask how it went. In all truthfulness, the past few days he had been selfish. He’d never asked Eileen what was going on with her life. The feeling of guilt seeps into his heart as he looks down at his feet in shame. The entire time he’d been sulking around her as if his problems were the only ones that mattered at all. He didn’t even think for a second about Eileen’s happiness. She had probably wanted to share her relationship with Sam but didn’t because of his broken heart. 

“Yeah, they’ve been official since the beginning of November or something,” Dean tells him. “I didn’t even know he had the guts to ask her out. I thought I’d be stuck hearing him moan and groan over how pretty and amazing she was.” 

The revelation even made him feel worse. Deciding he needs to talk to Eileen as soon as possible, Castiel reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone. First, he asks Dean if it was okay if he and Eileen go to dinner tonight, unlike the plan they made during their shopping experience. With a disappointed but understanding expression, Dean nods but pouts right after. Castiel smiles kisses him on the cheek before texting Eileen.

**CASTIEL  
11:23AM**

**Hey, do you want to get some dinner tonight? I’ve got something to tell you.**

Once he sends the text, Castiel immediately grabs Dean’s hand, which had a credit card on its fingers and glares at him. He shakes his head, taking his own wallet out to take some cash to give to the cashier. Dean sighs, putting his card back in his own wallet.

“You could have let me pay.”

Castiel signs, _no._

“Okay, fine.” Dean relents, grabbing some of the reusable grocery bags. “Where do you want to eat? I was thinking tacos.”

Replying, Castiel nods, realizing it’s been days since he’s had Mexican food. He’d love some guacamole and chips right about now. They both place the bags inside Dean’s Impala. Because apparently, Castiel’s environmentally conscious car is ‘not sexy at all’. When they get into the car, Castiel’s phone buzzes, making him jump. Eileen had replied to his text. He grabs his phone from his back pocket with full hope she’d say yes.

**EILEEN LEAHY  
11:33AM**

**Sure. Where?**

Castiel lets out a sigh of relief. Dean catches his eye and gives him a questioning look with a thumbs-up. He nods, smiling at him. Dean mouths ‘good’ before turning on the loud engine.

**CASTIEL  
11:34AM**

**My place. I’ll cook. Hope you like a lot of Ramen noodles.**

**EILEEN LEAHY  
11:34AM**

**Who are you and what have you done with Castiel? Cas would never eat Ramen.**

**CASTIEL  
11:35AM**

**I’ll explain tonight.**

**EILEEN LEAHY  
11:35AM**

**Ok? But sure, see you at 7.**

Putting his phone down on his lap, Castiel relaxes into the leather seat. He feels loads better knowing he’ll be fixing a lot of things wrong in his life today. He’s got Dean, something he had thought would never ever happen. And now he just needs to fix his friendship. Everything is going well, for the very first time in a long time.

“Everything good?” Dean interrupts, with his attention on him instead of the road.

Castiel signs _yes_ before using his pointing finger to get Dean’s attention back on the road. Then, moving his hand down to where Dean had his hand facing the ceiling as if telling Castiel to hold on to it. So Castiel did.

They were going a little fast. Especially with all the glass, they had to tread lightly on. But what harm would a little holding hands and making out do?

~

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:40PM**

**How did dinner with Eileen go?**

A smile appears on Castiel face as he stares at the bright screen. He rolls over in his bed, staring at the empty space beside him. He wishes for Dean to be here, talking with him in bed, and know how it feels to have another person to sleep with. Gripping the sheets on the bed with his hands and then letting go, Castiel grabs his phone again to reply to Dean. He wishes Dean was with him. 

**CASTIEL  
11:43PM**

**It went well… She says she doesn’t trust you though.**

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:43PM**

**Do you?**

That’s the question of the hour, isn’t it? Logically, Castiel shouldn’t trust Dean. He has a past of species like his breaking Dean’s trust. He’s hunted and killed other species. The internalized homophobia will affect how their relationship is. Not that they’re in a relationship exactly. They are just dating. Castiel doesn’t know how to answer Dean because, to be completely honest, he doesn’t. He’s going to need time. The rejection he felt when Dean pushed him away was unbearable. But if he wants to trust him, Castiel thought it would be best to take it slow.

**CASTIEL  
11:45PM**

**Dean, I’m going to need time. As long as we take it slow. I’ll grow to fully trust you. I hope that’s okay.**

Once Castiel sends the message, he worries on his lips. One minute goes by. Then another. Dean still hasn’t responded. When two pings indicate him Dean had responded, Castiel sits up on his bed with wide eyes.

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:49PM**

**I understand, Cas.**

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:49PM**

**We still up for dinner on Friday night?**

He lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. Thankful that Dean can understand about this, Castiel grins at his phone before giving him his response.

**CASTIEL  
11:50PM**

**Of course. I can’t wait.**

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:50PM**

**Awesome.**

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:50PM**

**So… what are you wearing?**

Castiel gapes at the text, blushing brightly. He contemplates whether to catch this train or to remind Dean about taking it slow with this too. Before he can decide, Dean sends another text his way.

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:50PM**

**Kidding. But just so you know, I’m still wearing your shirt.**

The redness in Castiel’s cheek brightens into a darker shade. He feels the burn of the blush radiate down into his loins. Palming at the bulge over his own sweats, imagining Dean slowly stripping his shirt off… Castiel takes his hand off himself, gasping at his thoughts. He’s a 24-year-old man who hasn’t had sex in 5 years. Sue him.

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:52PM**

**I can’t believe this shirt is a little tight on you. How are you so fucking buff?**

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:52PM**

**Why am I complaining?**

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:52PM**

**It’s fucking hot. You’re fucking hot.**

Castiel groans into his pillow, not even realizing his hands were now wrapped around his warm length, stroking it until he spills over his plain white boxers and black sweats. He wants to throw away every ounce of sanity in him to text Dean to come to him right now so he can fuck himself until he comes all over again.

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:57PM**

**Cas?**

Wiping his hand on the dry part of his underwear, he picks up his phone. 

**CASTIEL  
11:57PM**

**Fuck you, Dean…**

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
11:58PM**

**lol. Me too ;)**

Castiel gulps at Dean’s most recent text, but his lips sneak into a wide smile, He drops his phone beside him to change his clothes. As he washes his hands, he glances at his reflection that shows how refreshed he is after getting off and feeling finally happy. The only reminder of the last month is the dark circles underneath his eyes. He gets back to his bed, opening up to his texts.

**CASTIEL  
12:02PM**

**Goodnight, Dean.**

**DEAN WINCHESTER  
12:02PM**

**Night, Cas.**


	5. Chapter 5

The town is decorated with green and red lights. The middle of the town stands a tall evergreen tree with a bright star on top of it. The twinkling ornaments around the tree reflect Castiel’s and Dean’s lips moving against each other. On the other side, holding shopping bags, Sam clears his throat getting their attention. Castiel ducks his head, tucking it into the crook of Dean’s neck.

“Do you want to go or do you want to give Santa there the whole show?” Sam deadpans. Dean had told his brother about Castiel and his whole confusion with his sexuality. Though Dean had been terrified, Sam had been nothing but supportive and explained the terms bisexuality and pansexuality. Dean who was overwhelmed with emotion had invited him on a double date in mid-December, which turned out to be disastrous but only to Eileen and Castiel who had to watch their respective partners make their calm roller skating date into a roller derby. Everything seemed good.

“Shut it, Sammy.”

Dean cradles Castiel’s neck with his hand, stroking his nape. Castiel purrs, legit purrs, into his shoulder at the feeling of his fingers working into his skin. Dean laughs into his hair and pulls him with him as they walk away from the tree. He lets go of Dean, bringing his hand down to intertwine their fingers together.

“When are you both going to end the honeymoon phase?” Eileen asks, walking alongside Sam.

“At this rate, I think never,” Sam mumbles to himself. Dean takes the opportunity to flip his brother off.

“What?” Eileen says, craning her neck. “What did Sam say?”

Castiel does the honors to quickly sign Sam’s response, which gets a laugh from Eileen.

“I agree.” She huffs through her laugh. Both Dean and Castiel flip her off. They bid their goodbyes as each couple goes the opposite way. Castiel notices the way Sam whispers into Eileen’s hair and turns his head to Dean with his eyebrows raised.

Dean chuckles and explains, “Sam wants to tell her that he loves her. But he also thinks it’s too early.”

He smiles back at the two, noticing the smile that is on Sam’s lips; the sweet and reverent smile that radiates off of him. Little did he know, Dean had the same smile on his lips, directed towards him. Castiel finally turns and pulls Dean along with him, towards the Impala. He leans against it, almost leaping forward when the cool metal meets his legs. He should have worn an extra layer of pants. Dean comes closer and crowds him to the door, giving him a kiss. He pulls back, staring into Castiel’s eyes then down at his chapped lips. Licking his own lips, Dean goes back to taste the red wine Castiel had been drinking. Moans are exchanged between them. Thankfully, they parked in a secluded area behind the small mall.

Slipping his fingers into Dean’s cold hair, Castiel pulls him closer and lets Dean slot his thigh between his legs. He grinds up against Dean’s knee. Castiel pulls at Dean’s hair. Dean’s hands have a tight grip on his thighs, helping him grind against him. Castiel whines as Dean removes one of his hands. But as he peeks through one eye, he notices Dean trying to get the keys out of his pocket.

“Fuck.” Dean groans, leaving Castiel’s lips as the keys fall to the icy ground, the sound of metal echoes through the alley. He bends down to pick them up, giving Castiel a soft smile before opening the front door for him. “Get in, I’m going to drive quickly to your place.”

Castiel gives him a pointed look.

“Okay, okay.” He rolls his eyes, ruffling Castiel’s hair. “I’ll drive carefully.”

Hopping around the car, Dean gets into his side and revs up the engine. The purr vibrates through Castiel. As he watches Dean back out and drives into the main street, he leans his back on the window ignoring the sharp poke against him despite the puffy jacket between them. He takes his shoes and socks off, leaving them scattered on the floor of the car. Placing his feet on the seat, he doesn’t give Dean a chance to yell at him as he immediately moves one of his feet onto Dean’s thigh.

“Cas, fuck.” Dean groans, grabbing onto Castiel’s ankle to push it back. “Wait. We’re almost there. Also, wear your seatbelt. You’re the one who’s always talking about safety.”

Rolling his eyes, he brings back his foot and, instead, leans over to give Dean a peck on his cheek. After, he finally sits back and clicks the seatbelt into its spot. Just when he’s settled down, Dean drives up to the curb next to his house. He slouches, dramatically turning his head to look at Dean.

“Come on.” Dean laughs, shutting the engine off. “Put your shoes back on.”

He crosses his arms, making Dean just laugh again. He exits the car and runs to Castiel’s side and opens up the door. Kneeling down on his knee, he leaves the socks on the seat and puts on Castiel’s shoes for him. He takes Castiel’s hand dragging him out the car. Closing the door with his foot, Dean drags him to his front door and shoves him against it. Dean mouths at Castiel’s neck, sliding his hands down his sides. Castiel’s heart pounds against his chest, leaning his head back against the door. As he breathes, he can see the crisp foggy air. Dean now has his hands teasing with the edge of his jacket.

Pushing Dean away, Castiel quickly reaches into his own pockets to take his house keys out. As he keys his house open, Dean already has his hands stroking under his clothing, his nails scratching lightly at his abdomen. He finally, with shaking hands, gets his key in the hole, buckling back as one of Dean’s fingers soothe over one of his nipples. Gripping the key tightly, Castiel throws his head back against Dean’s shoulder. He feels Dean nip at his ear then place a kiss on the side of his neck. As Castiel turns his head to rub his cheek against his rough stubble, he awkwardly keys the door trying to shove at the door to get it open. 

“Jesus fuck, Cas.” Dean groans, slamming the door with his foot, pushing Castiel with tender but persistent hands towards his bedroom. 

His fingers clumsily zipping open Castiel’s jacket and stripping everything article of clothing off him, until he’s in his black boxer briefs. Intensely roaming his eyes up and down Castiel’s body, Dean quickly takes off all his clothes until he mirrors Castiel with his own plaid boxers. Castiel feels a rush of warmth down to his lower abdomen; he bites his lower lip and looks up at Dean through his eyelashes. With a seductive wink, he backs up to his bed and lies down on it. Dean whimpers, crawling over Castiel and nuzzling into his neck.

Tapping on Dean’s shoulder, Castiel gets his attention and leans up to kiss him. The moment their lips touched, it felt like the momentum they had been building the entire day finally caught up they fell. Dean’s hands were rough and hard on Castiel’s skin. His lips, sloppy and aggressive as they sucked and bite at his tan soft chest. All Castiel could do is hold on during this free fall. He felt Dean’s lips dropping lower and lower as he mouthed at the edge of his boxers. Harshly, he felt his legs being spread apart; revealing the week-old bruises on his thick inner thighs. Dean smirks at them, giving Castiel a quick wink before leaning down to revive the healing bruises with his mouth.

All Castiel could think of was the words ‘I love you’. He opens his eyes wide, staring at the ceiling as his chest heaves at the way Dean played with him. Both their underwear were thrown somewhere in his room by now. Dean had his fingers inside of him and his mouth around him. Keeping his hand tightly gripped in Dean’s hair, pulling at it every time Dean hollows his cheeks and hitting that sweet spot inside of him. Castiel was on the edge by now, but he needed more and Dean wouldn’t give it to him just yet. All it took was one mistake, one moment to breath, when Castiel sits up, turns Dean around and onto his back. He slides down onto him, groaning at the fullness. He could barely hear Dean moaning his name as he grinds down on him, chasing after his own release. His fingers firm against Dean’s chest, leaving half-moons into the skin with his nails. Barely able to breathe, he leans forward, mouthing at Dean’s slack jaw. 

When he stilled, feeling the ecstasy of the orgasm, he felt Dean become rigid inside of him as he reaches his climax, too. Sliding off and snuggling into Dean, he finally opens his eyes, tracing around the sweat and come on Dean’s chest. He saw the deep breaths Dean was huffing as if he couldn’t stop the adrenaline rush during their post-coital glow. Giving him a kiss on his shoulder, Castiel gets his attention. They exchange soft, tired smiles before giving each other a peck on the lips. With that they both get up, helping each other clean up. 

Once Castiel is done with his shower, he meets Dean who’s sitting on his couch eating chips. He walks behind the couch, rubbing his wet hair against the side of Dean’s face. 

“Cas!” Dean moans in despair, trying to dry off his face with his blue and pink plaid shirt. “I already took a shower, don’t need another one.”

He smirks at him as he jumps on the couch. He leans over Dean to grab a few chips of his own. Giving Dean a sloppy kiss on his cheek before sat down comfortably. As he places his head on his shoulder, watching some man with a gun break down a door, he notices Dean’s foot tapping nervously on the coffee table. A second later, Dean wraps his arm around Castiel’s shoulder tighter than usual.

Turning, Castiel notices a single tear drop from Dean’s eyes. He brings his hand up, cupping Dean’s face and kissed the tear away. He waits for Dean to talk to him. Sighing, he gets up to grab the notebook and a pen. When he gets back, he sees Dean’s elbows on his knees, his head in his hands and his cell on the coffee table. He knew that look. He knew that look really well. The first time Dean had this look, it was after his dad had called. And whenever Castiel had asked, he wouldn’t talk about it. It wasn’t until after Dean came back and they started dating that he’d start opening up about it. Slowly. 

He sits down next to Dean, carefully taking one of his hands into his. He gives it a kiss before turning attention to write: _Did your Dad call?_

Reading through his tears, Dean nods. 

“You know what’s pathetic?” Dean hiccups, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. “How I know all I’m going to get are insults thrown at me every time he calls and yet I pick up. How messed up is that?”

_You still love your Dad._

“Yeah…but what the fuck man.” Dean lets out a cry of frustration. “It’s fucking pathetic. I’m pathetic.”

_Dean._

“No, don’t deny it.” Dean laughs, bitterly. “Come on, I left you for a month because of him and his stupid ass homophobia that led to my own internalized biphobia. You were hurt—“

Castiel closes Dean’s mouth with his hand. He won’t stand for Dean bringing that up to prove that he’s pathetic. He’s not. He writes down that exact thought in his notebook. Dean shakes his head as he reads it and all Castiel could do is wrap his hands around him, hoping he can make him feel safe and worthy of happiness.

“Cas…” Dean mumbles into his chest. “Stay with me.”

Immediately, with a surge of emotion, Castiel lightly places his lips on Dean’s. It feels different from all the other kisses they’ve had. The warmth in his chest swirls throughout his body as Dean responds with a sweet kind of reverence. As if he’d be lost without the feel of Castiel’s lips like they were meant to be together. This gives him an idea. Though they were still well into a month in their relationship and normal people wouldn’t ask their partner to do this. But honestly, Castiel feels like they are ready. Ever since Dean sat, drunk, on his doorstep, he’s been going above and beyond to meet Castiel’s needs. Obviously, it’s partial to the feelings of guilt but Castiel has this innate suspicion that Dean truly feels deeply about him. Whether it’s love or not, it’s something Castiel is ready to find out with time. 

_Move in with me._

“What?” 

_I know it’s early but move in… if you want._

Dean gapes at Castiel. After what felt like a minute go by, Castiel panics. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. It _was_ early in their relationship; he shouldn’t have brought it up. He gulps as he stares at the ground instead at Dean. But once he stops looking, Dean grabs his face and peppers his face with kisses. Surprised, his breath hitches and is extremely confused.

“I’d love to, Cas,” Dean exclaims. 

Castiel lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Do you know what this means?” 

He shakes his head. 

“We can fuck every night.” 

Rolling his eyes, Castiel slaps the back of Dean’s head as they both laugh together.

~

A week later, during New Year's, Dean comes home from work early. He sneaks up behind Castiel who was working on the curriculum for the sign language class that started in two weeks. His first real job as a real teacher. He already had an interview with the local news about the need for a curriculum in small towns to give education for blind, deaf, and mute communities. 

“Hey, babe,” Dean whispers into his ear, wrapping a hand around his waist. “Happy New Year.” 

Castiel turns his head and gives him a quick peck on the lips before bringing his attention back to his laptop. He clicks enter a few times before typing a message for Dean. 

**It’s still December 31st.**

“Yeah, I know.” Dean exasperates, turning Castiel’s chair around. “We’re going out tonight.” 

Castiel turns, despite his chair being in an uncomfortable position. 

**What places are crazy enough to be open tonight?**

“It’s a surprise.” Dean grins, bringing his hand that was on his back in front of Castiel. He carried a bouquet of pink and yellow carnations. Castiel smiles at the flowers, taking them from Dean’s hands and signs _thank you._

“Anything for you.” Dean gives him a kiss on his nose before leaning over to close the laptop. “Now come on, go get changed into your best suit.” 

Castiel pauses before getting out of the chair to look at Dean with a confused expression. Suit? Did he hear that right? They’d never been on a fancy date before. So, why now? Shrugging, he listens to Dean and goes to their room to get ready. There was still two duffel bags near the end of the bed. It’s been 3 days since Dean had officially moved in but he still hadn’t put everything away. The sight of the bags always felt uncomfortable, like Dean living with him is temporary. He didn’t want that. 

Glancing away from the bags, Castiel goes over to his closet to bring out his suit, which was a little big on him and a cobalt blue tie. He puts on the suit and is struggling with his tie when Dean walks in from the living room with a towel around his waist. Castiel pauses his hands, checking Dean’s reflection out in the mirror. 

“I feel you objectifying me.” Dean nonchalantly says, grabbing a nice shirt and dress pants from one of his black bags. Castiel quickly looks away, trying to focus on his stupid tie. “I wasn’t complaining.” 

Castiel sighs, dropping his hands in defeat; at both his efforts to tie his tie and handling Dean’s comments. His tie was backward and Dean had dropped his towel giving him a view of everything. He licks his lips, turning to Dean who is putting on his plain black boxers. Sauntering up to him, Castiel lets Dean wear his pants before he places his hands on his back. Dean chuckles as he grabs his belt, letting Castiel dig his fingers into his muscles. 

Gliding his fingers down Dean’s back, Castiel leans over his shoulder and nips at his earlobe. Feeling a little more adventurous, he massages his finger from Dean’s lower back up and around to his chest. He sighs, rubbing his nose against Dean’s shoulder and inhales the sandalwood scent. Castiel smiles and kisses his exposed skin. 

“I know I’m irresistible but we’re going to be late.” Dean laughs, taking hold of one of Castiel's hand and bringing it up to his mouth for a kiss. 

Castiel huffs but lets go of Dean. Awkwardly standing in his spot, Castiel watches Dean put on his dress shirt. Once he’s done, Castiel pokes his shoulder and holds out his tie that was haphazardly wrapped around his neck. 

Dean snorts, smirking at him, “This knot is even worse than the one Sam tried to do during his Junior Prom.” 

As Dean fixes his tie, Castiel has a pout on his face. Dean pulls him close with his tie, kissing the pout off his face. After, Dean tightens the knot and weaves his fingers through Castiel’s messy hair. 

“There is no way we can fix that, right?” 

Rolling his eyes, Castiel walks away from Dean. 

“The number of times you’ve rolled your eyes at me, I’m surprised your eyes haven’t fallen out of their sockets,” Dean states, following him out the room. Castiel flips him off without turning around. “Okay, come on. It’s time to go.” 

Castiel grabs his tan trench coat from the coat hanger. He smiles as he smooths down the collar, remembering that this was the first coat he bought with his own money after he moved here. The first reward he gained after months of devastation and torture. Since this date was leading to a pivotal direction in Dean’s and his relationship, Castiel felt as if it was appropriate to wear it. Even if Dean rolls his eyes every time he wears it, saying something about a “fashion mishap”. He loved his trench coat and nothing was going to stop him from wearing it. 

“You’re really going to wear that?” Dean asks, holding the door open for Castiel. 

_Yes,_ Castiel signs firmly. 

“Okay, fine.” 

Once they sit down in the Impala, Dean hands him a blindfold. Confused, Castiel holds the soft material in his hands and stares at Dean as he starts the car. As he backs out the driveway, he smiles over at Castiel and nods at the black cloth. 

“Wear it.” He says, “I want this to be a surprise.” 

He wears the blindfold, listening to the classic rock play through the speakers. He recognized the particular song by Blue Oyster Cult. He wasn’t a big fan of classic rock, not as much as soul and classical, but he could enjoy it for Dean. It only takes a few minutes until they reach their destination, wherever that is. Castiel reaches behind his head to take the blindfold off. 

“No!” Dean gasps, halting Castiel. “Not yet.” 

Castiel drops his hands on his lap, waiting for Dean to open his door and lead him to the super secret place. When he hears Dean open the door, immediately he hears the crashing of waves and smells the salty air. He’s somewhere near the sea. Dean’s hands take his as he is lead out of the car. When he steps on the ground outside, it crunches under his shoes. Gravel. As they walk in a direction, the sound of waves increases and the ground underneath him turns more firm. 

For some reason, Castiel feels uneasy. The ground creaks underneath him and the sound of water and rasping metal and wood surround him. Senses as if he’s in trouble. He grips Dean’s sleeve and pulls at it. They shouldn’t be here. They need to go back. The last time he smelt this particular smell and heard these noises were when he was taken by the Men of Letters. His breathing gets faster and shallower. He’s not safe. Dean’s not safe. What if they’re here. He abruptly stops walking, his hand pulling Dean back. 

“Cas?” Dean asks, worry dripping in his tone. Castiel quickly snatches the cloth off his own eyes and blinks his eyes open. He was right. 

_The docks._

His eyes wide and scared, Castiel steps back weakly. He smells blood and gunpowder even if there were none here right now. Blinking, tears fall down his cheeks as he doubles over, feeling the pain in his feet. He can’t focus on one thought. He can’t even from a single thought. His mind is in a frenzy. Gasping for air, he feels Dean’s arms around him, pulling him up. Trying to focus on Dean’s face, he wraps his arms around him. Squeezing tight, he tries to ground himself. 

“Babe, you’re safe. You’re okay.” Dean whispers into his ear. “I’m sorry. Let’s go home.” 

Castiel lets Dean take him back to the car. Once he’s in the car smelling the leather and evergreen car smell, he curls into himself, not caring about wrinkling up his suit and trench coat. Dean had quickly run to his side and got in. He turns on the car, starting to drive back home. His hands grip on the steering wheel, till his knuckles were white. Castiel keeps his gaze on Dean, as he takes a breath in for four seconds, holding it for 6 seconds, and exhaling for 8 seconds. 

“Cas, I’m here,” Dean says, taking his eyes off the road to look at him. “You’re safe.” 

They drive up to the house. Dean quickly shuts off the engine, running out the door to get to Castiel’s side. He slowly opens the door, making sure Castiel doesn’t fall out because he was leaning against the door. Limply, Castiel let Dean lead him into the house. Every step he took was long and painful, the tears had dried against his cheeks and he could taste the snot from his nose. He probably looked weak and useless to Dean. 

As they move from the entrance to the bedroom, Dean slowly takes of Castiel’s clothing, one article at a time. He lets himself be laid on the bed in his underwear and his comforter tucked around him. Dean strips himself of his clothing before joining him under the covers. Castiel curls up, letting Dean wrap his hands around him. He feels Dean kiss the top of his head and stroke his back with soothing movements. 

“I’m so sorry, Cas,” Dean whispers, bringing him closer. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” 

It takes a few minutes to get Castiel to nod yes. Dean deserves to know what happened. It’s unfair to him. He’d probably blame himself for Castiel’s state anyway. He points at his phone that was set on the nightstand. Before Dean reached over to grab it for him, he takes his thumbs and wipes stray tears that fell from his eyes.

“I want you to know that you don’t need to tell me,” Dean says firmly before handing him his phone. 

Castiel, with a tremor in his fingers, types out his message. 

**I want to.**

“Okay.” Dean whispers carries on with caressing his hair. Castiel lets himself enjoy how his fingers move against his scalp, calming him down before telling his story. 

**My family and I were vacationing at an island near the northern part of the UK. Anna, my sister, and my father were busy doing something else and I decided to go for a swim near the rocks. We didn’t know we were being watched by these two… maniacs. They saw me alone and…**

Castiel takes a deep breath. 

**… kidnapped me. They had me tied up and in the cabin of a boat. You know the scars on my feet? That is of them using rusty nails to pin me down.**

Dean stops his movements, making Castiel pause his fingers to look up at him. He noticed tears in Dean’s eyes that were threatening to fall. Reaching up, he kisses Dean.

“Cas.” Dean says against his lips. “Holy shit, I…” 

Castiel leans back, weakly nodding. 

“Fuck.” 

**One of the kidnappers had left me alone with the crazier one. He… tortured me. I don’t think I’ve been that scared in my whole life. The other man called him and since I was tied up he thought I couldn’t escape. I ripped the nails from my feet with the back of the hammer. It was the most pain I have felt. I ran. I ran out onto the docks. That’s where I heard my sister screaming and I ran towards where my family stood under the docks. They were shot in front of me.**

**And I couldn’t save them…**

Dean wraps his arms around Castiel, bringing him close to his chest, “Fuck, I’m so sorry.” 

Castiel lets him whisper apologies into his hair, as he tries to grapple at the fact he still kept a secret from him. Hid the fact that the reason he was captured was because he is a siren. He has a tail and gills. He’s not human. 

“I’m not gonna leave you,” Dean says after a few minutes. Castiel looks up at him at the sudden statement. Confused, he places a hand on Dean’s cheek to get him to look into his eyes. “As long as I’m with you, no one can hurt you.” 

Bringing his face closer to Dean, Castiel presses their noses together and closes his eyes. They both inhale together and exhale together. Castiel has never felt so safe with another person. Remembering the first time they met when his life literally came crashing down. Having Dean in his life is possibly one of the best things that has ever happened to him. After five years of feeling alone despite having a small knit of friends he considers family, Dean felt like home. 

Leaning back, Castiel stares at Dean’s face. Tracing the curve of his nose and down to his lips, Castiel wonders how he got so lucky. Dean opens his eyes, watching Castiel touch his face. Slowly, he leans back staring at the ceiling and sits up to stare at Dean’s bags. Dean, who kept his eyes on him, also sits up and places a hand on Castiel’s lower back. 

Grabbing the phone that was discarded between them, Castiel thinks about how he’s lying to Dean. But no matter how much he wants to tell him, he can’t. He’s selfish, wanting to keep a part of him hidden from Dean. A part that determines the make or break point of their relationship. Still, he doesn’t want Dean to leave. Looking back at Dean’s bag and to his phone, he takes another step towards his selfishness and types. 

**Unpack your bags for me?**

Dean reads the text. Immediately, Dean stands up and walks over to his bags to place them both on the bed at Castiel’s feet. He gives Castiel a quick smile and starts taking his clothing out. Castiel scoots closer, crossing his legs. As he starts to help, Dean grabs his hand before he could touch the contents inside one of the bags. With curious eyes, he looks up at Dean. 

“How are you feeling now?” Dean asks, with worry etched on his face. Castiel nods and turns his hand in Dean’s hand and brings it up to his lips. He’s still shaking from the panic attack but he’ll be okay. Eventually. “I’m sorry I didn’t unpack right away. I was kinda worried that you’d change your mind about living with me, just didn’t want to go through the pain of packing… you know.” 

Castiel tilts his head and gives Dean a soft smile. He lets go of Dean’s hand, but not before giving his palm one more kiss, to type out a response on the phone. 

**And I was afraid you were going to leave me…**

Dean lets out a grunt while he reads the text. “I wouldn’t do that.” 

Giving Dean a disbelieving look, Castiel drops his phone on the bed to help Dean unpack. 

“Hey, don’t give me that look.” Dean accuses, picking up a pile of plaid shirts and walking over to the closet. “I’m not going to, I promise.” 

Castiel, feeling melancholy as usual, signs, _you eventually will._

Noticing, Dean rolls his eyes, “You know I can’t understand sign but I read your face and I’m going to prove you wrong.” 

_Right._ Castiel falls back onto his back and bouncing against the mattress, staring at the ceiling. Leaving the bags on the bed, Dean climbs on the bed and hovers over Castiel. His hands on both sides of Castiel’s head, Dean lowers himself to press his lips against his lips. Responding, Castiel kisses back and frames his face with his hands. Slowly, he caresses Dean’s cheeks bones with his thumbs. They separate, staring at each other until Castiel pulls Dean down kissing him with enthusiasm. He opens his mouth, letting Dean take a taste of him. His fingers pull at Dean’s short hair as he tries to get even closer. Their noses bump each other, as they explore each other’s mouths. 

Dean pushes himself up making Castiel huff and try to pull him back down. Resisting, Dean pulls his shirt off with a swift movement before fiddling with Castiel’s shirt buttons. Frustrated at how long Dean was taking, Castiel slaps his hands off and sitting up to mouth at Dean’s jaw. 

“Cas…” Dean moans, wrapping his hands around his shoulders. “Wait.” 

Letting a hard puff of breath hit Dean’s wet skin, Castiel finally looks at him with his lips holding a frown. Dean, who has a soft expression, weaves his fingers through Castiel’s messy hair. He presses forward, giving Castiel a soft peck on his lips. 

“Are you okay?” 

Castiel, despite recovering from the moment on the docks, nods his head. Reassuring Dean with a hand on his cheek. 

“Okay.” Dean gulps, gently pushing Castiel down onto the bed to traces his collarbone with his lips.

  



	6. Chapter 6

When Castiel wakes up, Dean’s snoring into his pillow with one of his arms wrapped around him. Slowly moving it off, Castiel gets up out of bed and stares at the ocean that waves at him. Yesterday was Dean’s birthday. They both had met Sam and Eileen at the diner for dinner where Castiel had asked Claire to put on some Led Zeppelin despite the disco theme they had for the day. Missouri had thankfully been accommodating and also had given Dean a gigantic ice cream sundae; which he had eaten in five minutes flat. 

Castiel laughs at the memory of Sam realizing Dean was actually older than him, which Castiel should have taken as an insult. Big deal Dean was two years older than him. He was still older than Sam. That shut Sam up immediately, mumbling that Castiel ‘was more mature than Dean that’s why he thought he’d be older.’

Dean groans from behind him, turning over in the bed and exposing his naked body. Castiel softly smiles at him, before covering his body with a blanket. 

“Cas…” Dean says with a deep voice, reaching a hand out to him. “It’s like 2 am...come back to bed.” 

Giving up, Castiel lays down next to Dean, giving him a kiss on the back of his head. Dean turns, his back towards Castiel, an invitation. He gets closer, wrapping his hand around Dean, spooning him from behind. It takes a few minutes for Dean to start snoring again. Castiel, on the other hand, is wide awake. He places another kiss on Dean’s shoulder before getting out of bed one more time. Leaving Dean a note about his whereabouts, he goes out to walk on the beach. 

A few steps out, he immediately regrets not grabbing a hoodie or a jacket. His sweats and his shirt aren’t going to keep him warm. Sharp, cold wind hits his face, feeling like sharp needles poking at him. He wraps his arms around himself, trudging on. With soft eyes, he stares out at the ocean, always inviting him. It’s been awhile since he swam in the ocean and Dean will be asleep till morning. Meaning Castiel’s got time to go for a quick swim. Quickly stripping off his clothing, he sprints to the ocean. As he runs into the freezing cold water, his body takes over by creating the warmth he needs to survive. 

Diving into the water, the darkness surrounds him. After blinking a few more times, his eyes adjust to the difference in light and depth. The seaweed glows a fluorescent green around him as he kicks his legs deeper until his tail fuses together. He breathes in the water, happily glancing at his shimmering tail. Twirling, Castiel plays with the seaweed around him and laughs when some tiny fish scatter away. The gills on his neck, flap against the current as he swims around. 

Suddenly a dull white light shines down on him. Castiel swims up, emerging out the water to stare at the almost full moon. He soaks in the light, making the scattered scales on his collarbones and neck sparkle green. Green, a new color that of scales that started to pain his skin. It complimented the blue on his tail as they spotted from the side of his thighs and swirled down to the bottom. The green scales were dark and had golden specks. Just like Dean’s eyes. 

Thinking about Dean, a sorrowful feeling enters Castiel’s veins. He still hasn't gotten the courage to tell him that he’s a siren. He’s afraid of what would happen. He doesn't want to lose him. He really should tell him. Dean’s been open with his problems and emotions with him the past two months. Yet, he’s been hiding this huge secret from Dean. He deserves the truth. But he’s still terrified. The scars of Dean’s past still affect him. Bringing up topics of different species is always difficult. Because Dean’s default is to make a disgusted face or spew some insult. Castiel likes...no loves him but how can he admit that when Dean hates a part of him and he doesn’t even know. 

Castiel swims to the edge of the cove, near the shallow shores next to the secluded rocks. Lying down on the wet sand, he digs his fingers into the sand letting the slow waves move up and down his body. The peacefulness of the environment makes him smile at the stars in the sky. He closes his eyes, forgetting every problem and tension he has. The sound of the crashing waves and the silence of the night sky surround him, making the environment beautiful. 

“Cas?!” Dean’s voice yells from above him. 

Castiel sits up, looking up at Dean, who stood on top of the rocks with a flashlight and one of his hoodies. He mouths Dean’s name as he watches his expression of shock to disgust while Dean’s flashlight focuses on his tail. The blue and green shining golden under the light. 

“What the fuck?” Dean says, almost in disbelief. He walks down the rocks towards Castiel, his eyes not leaving the shimmering tail. 

Turning his torso towards Dean, Castiel uses his hands to get closer. His heart beating fast and hard against his chest with an uneasy feeling in his stomach. Suddenly at a disadvantage, Castiel wished he was able to talk; even if he could only stutter out anything to communicate with Dean. 

“You’re not even fucking human?” Dean says, anger rising up in him. He drops the hoodie onto the sandy ground, letting the water darken the bright red into a maroon. “What the fuck even are you?!” 

A tear drops down Castiel’s cheek, as he tries to sign with his shaking hands. He can’t talk to him. Dean can’t understand him. What is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to explain? 

“What else have you been lying to me about?” Dean asks sharply with disgust in his eyes. “Are you even mute?” 

Castiel nods, clawing at his neck to somehow communicate with him. 

“I told you about what happened to my mom. A creature like you killed her. Jesus fucking Christ, I fell for you. You’re one of _them._ ” He takes a step back, shaking his head. “You… I have to go. I can’t look at you like this.” 

Dean turns around, making his way from Castiel. Pausing he turns back to him, with a finger up and about to say something. But decides against it as he tenses his jaw shut and walks away. 

Castiel wants to yell at him. To come back. To let him explain. To let him know he’s the same person. The only difference is that he’s a siren, nothing else. He’s not a murder. He’s never used his powers to hurt anyone. Dean needs to understand he’s not evil. Not a monster. But how is he supposed to do that if he’s fucking mute? 

Hanging his head low, Castiel tightly shuts his eyes, letting the tears that pooled around his eyes to fall onto the shore. He should have told him. He knew he did. Now he’s lost him because of his fear of losing him. Now he has lost him. He hears loud footsteps on the rocks. 

Dean? 

When Castiel looks up the first thing he sees is a large silver handgun. Then, the face he had hoped he would have never seen ever again. 

~

_Castiel trashes against the binds, ignoring the wooden splinters against his skin. The man who had taken him had his back towards him. Though he couldn’t see anything, Castiel knew what he was doing. The sound of a blade being sharpened echoed around the room that swayed. The net that had him bound was getting loose as he moved hurriedly. He pauses when he hears a tune the man whistled. Erie and gave Castiel the shivers. As the man turns towards him, he takes his un-gloved hand to smooth his hair back and fix the knot of his tie under the plastic apron._

_He screams behind the gag, starting to trash against the binds again. The man brings his finger up to his mouth shushing him. As he walks towards him, Castiel notices the room swaying. He was also feeling faint. With the last drop of momentum, he pushes his hands against the wood setting his tail free from the net. The man sighs, grabbing a rusty nail and hammer calling over another man who sat watching to hold his tail down. The first pound of the hammer rips the nail through his scales and skin. The metallic smell of blood fills the room as he screams again. His voice becomes hoarse with all the screaming until two nails were pinning his tail down on the wooden surface._

_The other man comes up to him with rope, grabbing his wrists. He stares into the cold grey eyes as he tightly wraps the rope, making sure the roughness would make his skin chaff. He hears mumbles of the man with the knife say something to the grey-eyed one but couldn’t make it out. The man nods and leaves him and the man with the knife. With wide eyes, Castiel pleads through his gag wanting to get through to him._

_“I’m going to remove the tie in your mouth as long as you don’t use your voice to magically seduce me and murder me. In return, you’ll answer some questions.” He says. Castiel notices a British accent. “Sound good?”_

_He nods. The man brings the knife close to him, ripping the cloth near his cheek and lightly nipping the skin. Castiel keeps his eyes wide open, staring at a fancy cross on the man’s hand._

_“Perfect.”_

~

Castiel couldn’t see the cross on the man’s hand, as he was wearing leather gloves. But it was him. He found him. Pushing himself away, Castiel tries to himself towards the sea to escape. But before he could, a popping sound goes off from the other side and he’s trapped in a net. 

“I can’t believe you found him, Ketch.” 

Castiel turns toward the voice, the other man with the grey eyes stood with a machine that blasted the net at him. He struggles at the rope, failing to get it off yet again. Both the men laugh at his efforts. 

“What?” Ketch sneers at him. “No screaming? Looks like the rumors are right, you have gone mute. Kind of pathetic for a siren.” 

He kneels in front of Castiel, as he places his gun in his holster at his waist. Grabbing a switchblade, he places the sharp end on Castiel’s neck and traces down his chest. He smirks at the patterns on his scales. 

“Well, this is new.” He says with joy. “You’ve found yourself another siren to mate with.” 

“Not a siren.” The other man snorts from behind them. “He’s mating with a human.” 

“Disgusting.” Ketch disgustingly says, spitting on Castiel’s face. “Another one of your victims? Tell me, how did you seduce him without your voice?” 

Dean. Castiel shuts his eyes, as more tears drop down his cheeks. They know about Dean. He’s not safe. He can’t let anything happen to him. Snarling, Castiel uses his teeth for the first time against a human. The sharp teeth grow from his gums as he leaps across towards Ketch, biting him on his arm. 

“Bloody Hell!” He yells, grabbing onto his arm as he moves back. Struggling to get his gun out, Ketch drops his blade onto the sand and Castiel reaches for it. Before he could get his fingers on it, the other man uses a hook to dig into his lower tail, pulling him back. He thrashes against him, bearing his teeth and clawing his way toward the knife. 

“Nice job, Mick.” Ketch praises, as he uses the butt of his gun to knock Castiel out. That’s the last thing Castiel hears as he plunges into darkness. 

When Castiel wakes up, a bright light shines on him. He’s on a cold, wet metal surface. His hands strapped down, a leather strap keeping his hips down, and his feet also strapped down to the metal table. As he tries to break free, Castiel notices the straps were impossible to get out of. They were padded and leather, the kind they use at hospitals.There was no way to struggle his way out of here. 

“Look who's awake…” Ketch slowly says, playing with a long knife. “See, Mick and I were talking. You can’t give us the information we need anymore since you’re, you know.” He waves at his neck. “But, we’ve been trying to track you down for ages--by the way, thanks for making the local news for trying to bring sign language into every school curriculum. Very insightful.” 

“So, we’ve decided…” Mick takes over his speech, revealing his own blade, slightly smaller than the one Ketch has. “How about we have some fun?” 

Castiel flicks his eyes between the two British men, his heart running like a freight train. Even if he knew it was impossible for him to escape, he pulls at his bonds. As the first sharp knife digs into the skin, he watches how the blood oozes out. Ketch goes deeper in his thigh, making Castiel let out a silent scream. The pain was completely unbearable. He goes into a trance. 

~

_Castiel feels Ketch’s hands on his neck, choking him as he digs his knife deep into his bicep. He’s coughing and turning in his arms. A staticky voice from the other side of the room alerts Ketch, leading him to curse and make his hold even tighter before letting go. Castiel gasps for air before Ketch places duct tape to prevent him from saying anything. He watches him leave him, tied and nailed to the boat._

_He feels faint and tired. The nails on his fins throb. He feels his tail transforming into his feet. The pain was excruciating. The only thing he could do is fight against his binds. Eventually, they loosen enough for him to slip his hands through. He grabs the hammer that was placed near him and gets up. The whole world was spinning. Knowing he doesn’t have time, he starts pulling at the nails ripping them out from his feet. He grinds his teeth before taking the tape off his mouth._

_With shaking hand and trembling feet, he stumbles through the boat until he finds the ladder to take him up out of the cabin. Hissing, he climbs out and lets out a sigh of relief when he notices the boat was still tied to the docks. Keeping hold of the railings, Castiel jumps over to the docks._

_“Fuck.” Castiel groans, dropping to his knees. The weather had changed too. The wind hits his face sharply and pellets of rain falling down harshly. His ears perk up when he hears the melodious voice of his sister. It’s a cry for help. With all the strength he could muster, Castiel gets up and runs. He runs towards the sound. He runs onto the sand, underneath the docks. Looking around he finds himself meters away from them. He sees Ketch with his gun pointed at his father. Before he could take a step towards them, the gun goes off and the only thing left of his father is his lifeless body._

_“No, no, no, no, no,” Castiel mutters to himself, limping towards his family. Anna lies there, screaming at her father to get up. But he knew what was going to happen as he watches Ketch point the gun at Anna._

_He walks faster, yelling, “ANNA!”_

_She looks up from their father’s corpse making eye contact with Castiel before a flash of lightning strikes and she falls next to their father and he screams her name for the last time. The fog comes in, blinding him from the scene and blinding him from the human’s eyesight as he drops to the ground, unconscious._

~

“Cas!” 

He hears Dean’s voice screaming at him. It can’t be him. Why would he come back? Castiel’s eyes were blank, staring at the bright white light above him. His face is drained of emotion and his body battered. He hears his name being called again. It’s not Dean. It can’t be. Feeling someone grip his hands, Castiel blinks and looks away from the light. His line of sight is obstructed by black spots. He scrunches his face, looking away again. 

“Cas, babe.” 

The pain that radiates all around his body is completely agonizing. Castiel tries to get up, despite the pain constricting his movements. A hand cradles his head as Cas braces his hands, suddenly free, on the metal surface. As his eyes adjust, the figure who is helping him comes to view. Familiar green eyes are etched with worry. He’d know those eyes anywhere. Dean. 

“Cas, sweetheart…” Dean whispers, bringing Castiel closer to him. Castiel stares at him. He came back for him. Bringing his hand up, Castiel curls three of his fingers to meet his thumb and keeps his index finger up. _Dean._

“Yeah, it’s me,” Dean confirms. He brings Castiel’s outstretched hand close to his chest, covering it with his own. “Come on, we have to get you out of here.” 

That’s when Cas remembers where they are. The Men of Letters could be anywhere. He needs to get Dean away from here. Dean can’t get hurt. Pushing Dean away, he knows he has to get Dean out of this place. His arms, weak and heavy, barely budge Dean. Instead, Dean hoists him to a sitting position, Castiel’s body a constant ache. Castiel looks down at himself and noticed the split skin, the blood on his legs, torso, and arms. Some of the wounds were small… but the larger ones… he swallowed hard. 

“Come on, Cas.” Dean gently moves Castiel’s legs to hang off the table. “Sam has the psychos distracted,” Dean grunts, ”We don’t have much time.” 

Castiel lets Dean help him off the table, head bobbing forward as the world spins. He winces as the cold metal squeaks against his sweat-coated thighs and butt, leaning against Dean as he tries to hold himself up. Though the thoughts are muddled, one question manages to claw through the fog over and over again: Why did Dean come back for him? His eyes settle on Dean, taking in the hard expression on Dean’s face as Dean wraps Castiel’s arm around his shoulder. A hand slides against Castiel’s naked waist, warm hand pressing against his skin to hold Castiel up. Cas winces in pain. 

“Sorry,” Dean mumbles. His hand almost flinches away from Castiel’s pain, but Dean keeps his grip in place. 

They both take a few steps forward before Dean stops to grab a cream sheet. He wraps it around Castiel. Blood seeps into the sheet, drenching the cream with crimson red. Castiel watches how Dean makes sure the sheet covers him completely, face hard and set. Moving his head, Castiel tries to catch Dean’s eyes with his own but every time he’d get close, Dean looks away. 

Castiel understands. Really. He lied to Dean for months- practically deceived Dean into loving something he hates. Gulping against the heaviness in the back of his throat, Castiel looks at the ground and takes a step forward, without Dean’s help. His knees, weak, almost fail him. Dean jerks forward to grab Castiel by the waist, keeping him standing. 

“Jesus, Cas.” Dean mumbles, and then sighs. He leads Castiel to the door, which hangs loosely on its rusty hinges as if it had been kicked open. Castiel gulped, feeling guilty that Dean probably got hurt trying to save him. He broke his trust and yet here Dean is, never stopping to think about his own life. 

They emerge from the warehouse to the docks. The surroundings were a deep orange, the sun dipping into the horizon. Dark yellows and oranges paint the evening sky. Castiel remembers getting kidnapped before the sun rose. How long was he gone? His breath hitches, holding back tears that start to form. With panicked eyes, he glances to Dean. 

“You were missing for 15 hours,” Dean states, understanding the look on Castiel’s face. 

“Dean!” Sam’s voice yells as Mick charges towards them with a knife in his hands. Dean helps Castiel against the wooden post before grabbing a gun from the waist of his jeans. As he’s about to shoot, Eileen comes from behind a barrier with a baseball bat. With a loud smack, she hits Mick on the back of his head. 

“Take that, jackass!” Eileen yells as Mick slumps to the ground, unconscious. She looks up at Castiel and Dean before pointing at them with a terrified expression. They both turn to see Ketch walking towards them with a pistol in his hand, pointing right at Castiel. 

Castiel hears the first gunshot go off. His eyes were closed and his body was rigid. Then he hears the second gunshot. When he opens his eyes, he is standing behind Dean, who was falling backward into him. His hands reflexing to catch him as they both lower to the ground. It takes a while to understand what was going on. He stares blankly at Dean’s scrunched up face, whose lips were moving. All he could hear was the rush of his blood and the waves crashing on the shore. When his mind catches up with reality, Castiel blinks and scrambles to cover the gunshot wound on Dean’s chest with his hands. The blood seeps through his fingers and his vision started going blurry with tears. 

“Cas.” Dean’s weak voice finally get to him. “Stop.” 

Mouthing the word ‘no’, Castiel puts more pressure on the wound. He doesn’t even care about what’s happening around him. If Ketch is still alive, what Sam and Eileen are doing, all Castiel can focus on is Dean. If he hadn’t hidden secrets from Dean, Dean wouldn’t have gotten shot. It’s his fault Dean got shot. 

“Cas…” Dean groans in pain. “You need help-- the knife wounds on you.” 

Right then, Eileen comes up placing a tender hand on Castiel shoulder. She gently pries off Castiel’s hands from the wound as she starts assessing it. Sam comes from the direction Ketch was and sits down next to Castiel. He replaces Eileen’s hand on Castiel’s shoulder and uses his other hand to hold Dean’s forearm. 

“The guy’s dead, Dean.” 

“Oh, thank fuck,” Dean winces as Eileen rips his t-shirt. 

“The ambulance on the way, Dean,” Sam says, with a quiver in his voice. “You’re gonna be okay.” 

Dean’s eyes droop as he succumbs into unconsciousness.


	7. Chapter 7

Three hours passed by and Dean is still in the operating room. Castiel, Sam, and Eileen were sitting on the couches, waiting for Dean to come out from the OR. As they sit, Castiel plays with the end of Dean’s plaid shirt. His mind replaying the whole situation. After Dean had gotten shot, Eileen forced Sam to take him home and into a bath. As she knows, when Castiel is submerged in water, his wounds heal. That took about an hour before he came out and wore Dean’s plaid shirt, hoping the smell of him will calm him down. Sam, who was ready to drive them down the next town who had a cardiologist and trauma surgeon available to take Dean in. 

Eileen was already sitting in the waiting room, as she joined the paramedic team onto the helicopter to the major hospital. Sam and her held hands and talked quietly across from Castiel. If he had just told Dean about who he is, he wouldn’t be on the operating table fighting for his life. His head drops to his hands, as he listens to the environment around him. Whispers and chatters were everywhere. The beeps and friendly voices of the reception contrasted with the family on the opposite side who were fighting. Occasionally the speakers would announce a code for a room in the hospital. 

“Eileen Leahy?” A female voice calls out. Castiel’s head shoots up to see a curly haired women in teal scrubs standing above the two. Sam looks up first and then nudges Eileen to get her attention. They both stand up quickly. Castiel timidly looks at the scene, listening to the doctor talk to them. 

“Hi,” Eileen says with wide eyes, “This is Sam Winchester. Dean’s brother.” 

“My name is Rowena. I’m the cardiologist who looked over Dean.” She says, tucking her red hair behind her ear. “Your brother just came out of surgery and is in recovery at the moment. Dr. Hannah Aingeal, the trauma surgeon will meet with you and take you to your brother once he’s stable.” 

“Wait, Dr. Rowena,” Sam reaches out. “Is he going to be okay?” 

“His vitals are doing well and the bullet just missed his heart.” Rowena states, “We have high hopes for him to make it through.” 

Once the doctor leaves them, Castiel watches Sam sit down with a deep and relieved sigh. Eileen sooths Sam, kissing him on his forehead before whispering something. Castiel watches Sam nod and then make eye contact with him. He gives him a weary smile as he nods to him. Castiel mirrors Sam and looks up at EIleen who was coming towards him. 

“Hey.” She whispers, placing a hand on his upper back. “It’s okay.” 

Castiel nods, unknowingly lets a tear drop from his eyes down his cheek. He breathes in and out slowly trying to stay calm. Letting Eileen rub circles with her thumb, he sobs as he’s remembering the past few hours. The only thing he can grasp is the fact Dean is a little better. Not one hundred percent but better. Though, he shouldn’t have been hurt in the first place. If only Dean didn’t stand in front of him to take the bullet. 

“Do you want anything to eat?” Eileen finally speaks up, as Castiel’s cries calm down.

He shakes his head. 

“Cas…” Eileen looks at him with utmost sternness. “You were kidnapped. Tortured. You need food.” 

Castiel makes a _D_ with his fingers. 

“You can’t stop eating because you’re blaming yourself.” Eileen firmly states. “I saw what happened. Dean protected you. I’m sure he’d be angry if you didn’t eat.” 

Sighing, Castiel straightens his back and stares straight into Eileen’s eyes. He holds up his trembling hands as he makes forceful movements. 

_If I hadn’t hidden who I was, he wouldn’t be hurt. If I hadn’t gone out for that swim, he wouldn’t be hurt. If I didn’t fucking exist.... Dean wouldn’t be hurt._

Eileen gasps, tears forming in her eyes as she watched his fingers spell out hateful comments about himself. She shakes her head, taking Castiel’s hands into her own. Wrapping her arms around him, she rubs his back as she tries to sooth him. Castiel’s heart pumps hard against his chest as he thinks about how Dean must be weak and alone. 

“You’re eating.” Eileen firmly says, standing up and pats down Castiel’s hair. “I’m getting you some water too.” 

_Okay._

After she leaves to go to the only coffee shop open down on the 1st floor. Castiel moves to his original position; his head in his hands and back hunched over. His head filled with his own voice criticizing and insulting himself that Castiel doesn’t hear Sam walk across and sit down next to him. Castiel startles when he feels a light touch to his forearm. Looking up, he gulps. Honestly, he feels terribly guilty. The entire car ride was filled with a cloud of tension and culpability. It’s because of him Sam’s brother got shot. 

“Dean loves you.” Sam finally says after awhile. Castiel furrows his eyebrows, tilting his head in confusion. Even if Dean loved him before, after he figured out his secret… Dean doesn’t love him anymore. “When Dean found the blood stains on the sand yesterday, he couldn’t think straight.” 

Castiel, remembering Sam is still a novice at ASL, slowly signs for him. _He should hate me. He hates things like me._

Sam, following Castiel’s fingers with intensity, tries to understand the signs. It takes him awhile before understanding what he said. Sam looks down at his own hands, as if he’s trying to come up with the right words. Castiel glances away. As he blinks away his tears, he roughly rubs his palm against his faded blue jeans. 

“A week ago,” Sam starts again; Castiel staring back at the side of his face. “Dean and I were at the bar… he said that you were the best thing that happened to him. That he finally felt like all of the restrictions Dad put on him from being himself dissolves every time he looks into your eyes. He also “forbid” me from telling you about our “chick-flick” moment.” He takes a shaky laugh before turning his head to hold Castiel’s eyes with his own. “Yeah, he’s probably pissed off you didn’t tell him you weren’t human. But he loves you too much to let that get in between you two.” 

Listening to Sam, Castiel doesn’t feel the tears slipping down his face. He doesn’t deserve these words. He doesn't deserve Dean’s love. Castiel has always known that Dean is selfless. Something he loves about him. That Sam, so confident in Dean’s love for him, knows he would forgive him for such a life-changing lie. In his eyes, Castiel must be a creature… a monster. 

“He wouldn’t push you out of the way if he saw you as a monster.” Sam finally says, as if he read his mind. Before Castiel could react to that, Eileen interrupts them with a two salads and a soup. 

Eventually, the trauma surgeon, Dr. Hannah, comes by to let them know more about Dean’s status. She leads them up to the floor he was recovering in, asking only Sam to go into Dean’s room. Castiel sat in the family sitting room on the 5th floor of the hospital, not ready to face Dean. Eileen sat with him as Sam visited his brother. Nurses walk pass the closed door, their faces holding a smile even at four in the morning. He keeps his eyes fixed on the window that separated the room from the rest of the floor. Eileen on the other hand is curled up in the corner, resting her eyes. Sam finally comes through, his eyes exhausted and hair looking like he’s ran through it with his hands much too often. 

“You guys should go stay at the motel a few blocks from here.” Sam says, sleep clearly in his voice. “I’ll stay with Dean tonight. We’ll take shifts.” 

Castiel nods in agreement as he stands up. Eileen shuffles his feet towards Sam, giving him a soft and gentle kiss on his cheek before cupping his face with her hands. Sam hands her his keys and places a kiss on her forehead. In return, she murmurs something to Sam and then turns to Castiel. 

“Let’s go, Cas.” Eileen holds out her hand for him to take. Castiel places his hand in hers as she leads them both out to the elevator doors. She squeezes his hand and gently smiles at him. Once they get into the elevator, they let go and stand against the railing. “Sam said Dean’s doing well.” 

Castiel, with not a single piece of energy to muster up, nods his head instead of asking more questions on how Dean is doing. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees the blood seep through his fingers from Dean’s chest and the way he looked when he lost consciousness. The last time Castiel felt that scared was when he lost his family. The same thing almost happened to him. 

The entire way from the hospital to the lobby of the cheap motel, Castiel keeps a hard face. He keeps blaming himself, hating himself for even lying in the first place. This wouldn’t have happened if he just didn’t… 

“Here are your keys to the double beds.” A cheery blonde woman says from behind the counter. “Breakfast starts in two hours. Will you need a wake up call?” 

Eileen stares at her, squinting with her eyes. Castiel places his hand on her shoulder, and shakes his head at the woman behind the counter. They both wave and go out to walk down to room number 9. Castiel leans against the rough popcorn wall, sighing as the sky around them rises bringing out a pale pink painting into an apricot hue. Eileen finally pushes the rough red door open and he follows her into the room. The wallpaper, a faded maroon, clashes against the aqua tints of the accessories in the room. They both, without any thought, drop down on separate beds.

It only takes a few minutes for Eileen to slip into deep slumber, as evidenced by the soft snores Castiel hears. But every time he tries to close his eyes, he’s flashed with the image of Dean dying in his arms. So he lies on the bed, staring at the pale yellow ceiling. He feels a lump in his throat, feeling the remorse and pain. Keeping his mind blank, Castiel turns to stare at the green numbers on the alarm clock. He counts every minute until Eileen’s phone buzzes and it’s 10am. 

Gently waking Eileen up, Castiel passes the phone to her. She grumbles and sighs. 

“How the fuck am I supposed to talk to Sam on the phone?” She declines the ring before facetiming him. When he answers, Sam has dark circles under his eyes and mumbles an apology to Eileen and says hello to Castiel. 

“I need some sleep, can one of you trade?” Sam mumbles, yawning loudly. 

Castiel raises his hand, wanting to see Dean. Eileen nods, letting Sam know that she’s going to drop Castiel off and pick him up. As they talk for a little more, Castiel takes the time to take a quick shower. He doesn’t pay attention to the way his scales pop up on his skin, knowing the green and blue will remind him how he disappointed and hurt Dean. The water pressure was too hard and the water stings at his skin. Wearing the same clothing, he breathes in Dean’s flannel. His smell was fading, making him feel even worse. 

Eileen is sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the bathroom when he came out. She gives him a soft smile, pointing at him and making an ‘O’ and a ‘K’ with her hand. He nods his head, even if he didn’t feel anywhere near okay. She raises her eyebrow, catching his lie. Though she doesn’t bring it up, Castiel knows she’ll want to talk about this later. She walks past him to the bathroom, passing him the car keys. 

“Go ahead and get the car started, I’ll be there in a sec.” She says, sleep clearly still in her voice before she shuts the door. Castiel goes to turn the car on, blasting the heat. The sky was cloudy and gray and he can still sees the frost on the bare trees around him. When Eileen comes out the room, she shivers pulling at the sleeves of her sweatshirt. She sits in the passenger seat and shoves her hands under her thighs. 

As they are driving the five minutes to the hospital, he yawns as he passes the blur of random buildings. When he gets to the visitor parking, Eileen groans as they drive around trying to look for a spot. Castiel worries at his bottom lip, scared to face Dean. It would be completely valid for him to kick him out of his hospital room. Sam’s words about Dean loving him ring in Castiel’s ears but he that doubt still nags at him as finally finds a parking spot. Eileen gets out of the car but Castiel keeps his hands on the steering wheel staring at the hospital sign. Maybe he shouldn’t be here. Maybe he shouldn’t have even offered to say. 

Eileen knocks on the window of the driver’s seat, getting his attention. Taking a deep breath, he exits the car and ready to walk into the hospital. They go through the entrance up to the fifth floor. Eileen goes up to the nurse’s station, getting Dean’s room number. He follows closely behind as a nurse named Aaron takes them to the room. When Castiel enters the small room. He sees tubes and smells the sterile field. Dean lays on his back with his eyes closed. Sam stands up, hugging Eileen and nodding a morning to him. 

“Let’s get you to sleep.” Eileen says, intertwining her fingers into Sam’s fingers. They leave him in the room with Dean and Aaron. 

“How are you related to Dean?” Aaron asks as he checks on the IV tubing. 

Castiel looks around, trying to find a paper and pen. Aaron gives him a questioning look and he mimes writing on something. He passes a blank piece of paper from his royal purple scrub pocket and a pen to him. 

_I’m his boyfriend. Castiel._

“Nice to meet you,” He takes out a syringe, injecting the line with something. “I just need to go over one thing with you. This is a PCA.” Pointing to a machine attached to the IV pole. “It’s attached to this line with a button that only the patient is allowed to touch. Even you think he may want it or is in pain, we want to encourage Dean to have control over his pain regimen and we don’t want him to take too much of the pain medication.” 

Castiel nods, understanding Aaron’s explanation. Do not touch that button. Once he leaves, Castiel sits down on the chair that’s up against the wall. He looks everywhere in the room, not wanting to face Dean. It only takes less than thirty seconds for him to succumb and pull the chair right next to the bed, his fingers barely touching Dean’s. He lets his eyes go over from Dean’s feet and slowly up to the bandages on Dean’s chest. His eyes fill with tears as he glances at Dean’s resting face. He’s pale, his lips dry, and yellow crusty stuff on the corners of his eyes. Suddenly, his entire body feels exhausted. He lowers his head onto the bed, keeping both Dean’s and his fingertips touching. 

~

The feeling of fingers sweep through Castiel’s hair, as he nuzzles his head into the soft, thin blanket. He feels an ache in in back as if it’s been arched for a long time. A beeping in the background and the smell of a hospital confuses him as he’s waking up. Remembering where he was, Castiel shoots his head up staring at a tired but awake Dean. 

“Hey, Cas.” He croaks. Castiel leans forward to kiss him, but stops and drops his arms to his sides, not knowing if he’s allowed to. He gulps and looks into Dean’s eyes, trying to memorize the green he fell in love with. 

Instead, he brings his hand up making the letter _D_. Dean huffs a laugh before groaning and placing a hand under his wound. He swears before moving his hand to curve it, making a _C_. A heaviness that was on Castiel’s chest lightens just by a little as he lets a tear drop down his cheek. 

“I’m missing a kiss, babe.” Dean says, his throat tight and his hand weakly grabbing onto Castiel’s--no, Dean’s own flannel shirt. This gesture made Castiel break out in a sob. He still wanted him even after everything he put him through. He mouths the words _I’m sorry_ over and over again. 

“Cas…” Dean pulls at the shirt and tentatively moves over on the bed. “Come here.” 

His breath hitching, Castiel slips off his shoes and curls up against Dean’s side. His fingers curl around Dean’s arm as he bumps his nose against the side of his face. He smelled like medication and hospital but he smelt the light musk of Dean underneath all that. He lets himself inhale that faint smell until the cries calm down until he’s breathing deeply against Dean. 

“I love you.” 

Castiel shuts his eyes hard, wondering if he made that up in his head. 

“Cas?” Dean questions, turning his head and placing a kiss in his hair. “I know we have a lot to talk about, but I need you to know that I love you.” 

Castiel turns his head, looking into Dean’s eyes. His hand coming up to cup his jaw before leaning forward to kiss him. He doesn’t deserve this but if Dean chooses to love him despite his lies, he’ll take it. His lips are dry underneath his. When he separates, Castiel keeps his eyes closed and leans his forehead against Dean’s. He uses his index finger to draw a heart on Dean’s stubbled jaw. He feels Dean shakily breath out and lean in for another kiss. 

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean whispers. To that Castiel opens his eyes and shakes his head, pointing to himself. 

“No, I get why you didn’t tell me.” Dean grabs his hand and pulls it up to his lips. “Listening to how I talked about different...species.” He clears his throat. “You fell for me anyway. My father always told us to never trust your kind but he’s wrong. But he still got to me. As you know. I love you. I need you. I don’t goddamn care if you’re a siren. You’re Cas. You’re the man who made me love myself.” 

Castiel leans up and puts his lips on Dean’s forehead before placing his head on the side of the pillow, giving Dean a little more room so he doesn't hurt him. Their fingers weave together, holding on tight. He knows they need to talk more about this entire situation. This isn’t going to go away easily but Castiel is willing to try as long as Dean willing. With the feeling of Dean’s thumb circling the back of his hand, Castiel can confirm to himself that he isn’t going to leave. Rocking his head against the side of Dean’s face, Castiel finally breaths, as if puzzle pieces of his life were falling into the right place. He didn’t have the full picture yet, but he was close and with Dean, he’ll be able to reach it. 

Aaron comes by, gently waking them both up to ask if Castiel would like a cot in the room. Before he could reply, Dean tightens his grip on his hand, firmly declining the nurse’s offer. He gives Aaron a faint smile, nodding his head in agreement with Dean. Castiel gives Dean room, though not much because Dean kept him at arm-length, as the nurse took his vital signs. 

It takes a few days until Dean’s allowed to back home and another month or so to be able to do his daily activities without doubling over in pain or exhaust. The entire time Castiel was by him, helping him through every moment. They fought sometimes; whether it was related to Dean’s wound or Castiel’s lies, it took a lot of work and communication. Sometimes, Castiel had to leave to stay at Eileen’s but he always went back to Dean. On top of that, the nightmares grew. From the older ones to fresh, gut-wrenching new ones. At least once a week, Castiel woke up, covered in sweat searching for Dean. The memory of Dean getting shot was ingrained into his mind. It wasn’t perfect; but they never lost sight of each other. 

Castiel started therapy. His mental health is manageable with the help of Dean and his therapist. Dean got cleared to go to work again. Things were getting better. It felt like a new era. Even the weather changed, the air was warmer, the birds were out, and the smell of lavender filled the atmosphere again. Castiel sat on the steps of his back porch, watching Claire and Eileen trying to build a better sand castle than Sam and Alex. He feels a cold glass press against his bare shoulder and looks up at Dean’s smiling face as he accepts the lemonade. 

Dean takes a seat next to him, mocking Sam, who was now drenched in water and EIleen running away with a bucket in her hand. He seemed happier. His hair a little longer, spiked up with some of the sea-water, his shoulders stronger from the physical therapy, and the scar on his chest, healed. Castiel shifts to face Dean, placing one of his legs behind his back and one hanging over one of his thighs. Dean loosens up and leans his shoulder against his chest. Gently, Castiel runs his hand up his chest and stops at the scar on his chest. He smooths his finger over the bumpy, smooth scar tissue. 

Castiel’s hand is covered by Dean’s and he glances up at him; they share a small smile before Dean leans down to give him a quick kiss. Squeezing his hand, he lets go letting and Castiel keep his hand resting over his wound. In return, Dean rubs the scar on his foot in return. Castiel rests his head against Dean’s watching the girls torment Sam, feeling at complete peace.

“Dean, it would be awesome if you helped me.” Sam yelled as he is pinned down by Eileen while Claire and Alex dump sand on top of him. “You know, your brother?” 

“Sorry, bro.” Dean yelled back, “You cheated.” 

“Jerk.” 

“Bitch.” 

Sam struggles against the sand and Eileen’s iron grip. Castiel grins at them before staring off at the sea. There were reflections of sun hitting the waves. He feels a peace deep in his chest, knowing he has a new family who loves him and who he loves. He closes his eyes, giving thanks to Poseidon and giving blessings to Anna and his father. 

Suddenly, Castiel is startled by Dean stiffening against him. He opens his eyes to take a look at him with concern. Dean had his face firm with a frown and his eyes staring hard across to the side. Following his gaze, Castiel notices a man; inappropriately dressed for hot weather, a rough beard, and a furious expression. He doesn’t need confirmation on who this man is, Dean’s father, John. Trying to move from him, not knowing if Dean wants him close to him with his father here. But Dean shoots his hand up to his, keeping it close to his chest. 

The expression on Dean’s father deepens. Castiel fears for Dean as he keeps rubbing his thumb against his skin, trying to sooth him. He catches Sam’s eyes and nods towards his father before focusing on Dean to give him support. Once he stalks over to where they both sat, he towers over them with his hands in fists by his side. 

“What the fuck is this, Dean?” 

“Hey, Dad.” Dean says, with a deadly calm voice. “What are you doing here?” 

“Don’t change the topic.” His lips sneering upon him. “I didn’t raise a fag.” 

“That’s nice.” Dean clears his throat, moving his hand that was on Castiel’s hand up on to his thigh. Castiel widens his eyes at Dean, wondering what the flying fuck he was doing. “The problem is, you never raised me.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Once Mom died, you left us at various motel rooms.” He replies with a strong voice. “I raised myself and _I_ raised Sam.” 

Taking a sharp breath in, Castiel glances behind to find Sam walking up to them. Eileen stays with Claire and Alex but keeps her eyes are on him. She slowly closes her eyes and indicates him to breath deeply and slowly. He nods back before turning back to a red-faced John. He watches his hand come up, striking toward Dean. Just as Castiel is about to stop him, Sam’s hand tightly wraps around John’s wrist. He roughly pulls him back with a steel expression. It happened so quickly, that Castiel didn’t even notice Dean’s nails digging into his thigh. As Sam stares his father down, Castiel bumps his nose into the side of Dean’s face to keep him close, to let him know he’s there. 

“Sam, stay out of this.” John threatens. 

“No.” Sam says, a deep anger seeping through his tone. “Dean’s right. In the past, I don’t know, half a year have you contacted us? Other than to gaslight us into joining your… your ignorant craze to kill every creature that wasn’t human?” 

“They’re monsters!” 

“You’re the monster, Dad.” Dean speaks up, his voice tied with turmoil. “I could never be who I was around you. You made me into a person I hated. And when I found someone who looked through my exterior and fell in love with me, the only thing I could think about is how much you would be disappointed because he’s a he; I almost lost him.” 

The pause in between stayed for what felt like centuries. Castiel keeps his fingers against the back of Dean’s head, caressing him with every feeling of adoration and love inside of him. He could feel him breathing raggedly; the words he spoke were possibly the most truthful and the most difficult for him to say to his father. A few beats later, Dean softly scoffs. 

“Leave, Dad. I don’t want you here. Not until you open up your mind.” 

After a forceful grunt, John finally speaks up, “If anything happens, you’re on your own. I’m never helping you ever again.” 

“I don’t care.” 

It takes a few more seconds for John to give up on his children before he mutters an insult to them and leaves them. They watch him walk across the sand to a big black truck and disappearing. Castiel feels a wave of guilt wash up into him as stops his caressing. Dean notices immediately and turns to him. He doesn’t give him any warning before Castiel is swept up into Dean’s arms. 

“I’m never leaving you, Cas.” Dean mumbles into his shoulder. “You mean goddamn too much to me.” 

“Ain’t gonna leave you. You got that, Cas? Never.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](https://www.heavenlymish.tumblr.com/)


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